


Before I Fall

by ElmOak1991



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lost - Freeform, M/M, Rape, Romance, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:33:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25113199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElmOak1991/pseuds/ElmOak1991
Summary: The hardest part of moving forward is not looking back. Misaki had heard that once after…it happened. He decided it was true, but he couldn't stop looking back. Back to Usagi who'd ended things two years before. Back to the horrific night in the stairwell. Back to every bad choice he'd made the last two years. He was trying to look forward. That's why he took the job offer that would lead him back home. That's why he agreed to the arranged marriage. However, looking forward doesn't stop the past from pulling you back, making it seem impossible to grasp your future. Except, what if part of your past was your future? Running into Usagi wasn't something he wanted, but maybe it was just what he needed. After all, Misaki really needed someone to catch him or he'd fall.
Relationships: Takahashi Misaki/Usami Akihiko
Comments: 38
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains triggers and may not be for everyone. Please proceed with caution. Thank you and Enjoy.

**A/N: This story contains triggers and may not be for everyone. Please proceed with caution. Thank you and Enjoy.**

**…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**…..**

**Chapter One**

….

As he walked down the familiar street, he could help but feel how strange it was. Everything was as it always been. The flow of traffic, the sounds of daily life that drifted from house windows. The street lamps were all in the same place, and even the street lamp by the last house on this street was still burnt out. The familiar smells reminded him of a time he was younger and carefree.

No, it wasn't this neighborhood he'd lived in as a child that changed. It was him. He was no longer the same person he'd been as a kid, nor was he even the same person he'd been just a couple years ago. He was older now. A working man with rent and bills to pay, and soon, he'd have a family to support.

Perhaps that's why he was here, walking the streets of his childhood. He thought about the events that lead to this moment. The promises he'd made and the heartbreaking reasons he made them. It was never his intention to marry for any reason other than love, but since he couldn't be with the person he loved, he figured why not?

It had all started soon after he returned here after moving a few cities over. Almost two years ago now, he had fled this city and everything he'd know because if he hadn't, he would have suffocated. He couldn't handle knowing that he might run into Usagi at any turn. Not after….

No. He couldn't risk that. Not when his heart was shattered into a million sharp pieces that he couldn't seem to get back together. He felt like he'd cut himself to shreds if he tried. Besides, why would it matter? It wouldn't change the fact of things. They were still apart, and like some kind of pathetic puppy, he was still pining.

So he'd fled, and a month ago he'd returned home due to a great job opportunity that he couldn't pass up. Besides, he was an adult now and he decided he could handle things as such. Maybe it was a lie, but he figured he would fake it until he makes it.

Not too long after his return, he was having dinner with his brother's family and they begged him for his help. Apparently, her family are all really old fashioned and her cousin was unwed and in the family way. If this were to be found out, they would outcast the poor girl and she'd be denied any aid. They asked if he'd had anyone special in his life and when he'd said no, they asked if he would marry her.

He'd been surprised by this request, and after thinking on it, he couldn't come up with a good reason why to deny it. People always asked him when he was going to settle down, When he said he never thought he would, they would either laugh and tell him in time it will happen or look at him as if they suspected him of being gay. Or maybe he felt that way because he was. Not that he had plans of ever saying anything.

Besides, it didn't much matter whether he was gay or straight, or otherwise, the fact was, he only had eyes for one person and he couldn't have him. So really, why not help a poor girl out? At least he wouldn't come home to an empty house. He wouldn't be left alone with the crippling thoughts that seemed to pull him into darkness.

As the sky darkened he decided it was time to head back to his apartment. It wasn't as nice as his brother's place, but it was a step up from where he'd been staying. And this time he didn't have a roommate, because that turned into a disaster.

He'd liked Hiroto and they had a lot in common. Both were editors and both had come from humble backgrounds. They never fought and whenever they spent time together they had a good time. He knew how to cook and cleaned up after himself. Another thing they had in common? They were both into each other.

Once this was made obvious, they tried to have a relationship. They even went on a few dates. He actually thought he might be able to let Usagi go. That maybe he could move on. However, it was a false hope. Kissing Hiroto made him feel guilty and the one time they tried to have sex, he'd completely panicked.

As he boarded the train, his thought's shifted to that dark stairwell where his life changed forever. He could remember the smell of piss and beer. He could remember putting his hand in something sticky as he'd been forced against the wall before behind forced to his knees.

His breathing became erratic as he sat, trying to shake the memory from his mind. No. No, he wasn't going there. Never again would he find himself there. Ever.

He looked around, grounding himself in his surroundings. He was safe here. No dark staircases to be found. He was fine. Just fine.

Once off the train, he made slow work of getting home. The weather was nice, so he took the long way home, taking in the sights and sounds of the city.

He stopped at a book store that was on the way to his apartment to pick up a few books a friend recommended. Plus, he believed the Manga his old mentor edited should be on the shelves, and he'd been reading it for a while now, and actually looked forward to the next volumes.

He'd grown to like the smell of bookstores. Maybe it was strange, or maybe he was just around books too much, but the smell brought him a peace he rarely seemed to find these days. Added bonus? In this clean, brightly lit book store, the darkness of that stairwell seemed even further away.

After purchasing his books, he ordered a coffee with an extra shot of espresso at the café across the street and sat at one of the cutesy small tables. He'd read here some before continuing home.

He knew he was stalling. He didn't much like being alone. It gave him too much time to think about unpleasant things. He'd even entertained the idea of staying at his brother's for the night but thought it rude to ask. Besides, thought would his reasoning be? He was afraid to be alone? No, he couldn't tell his brother that. All it would do is make his brother ask questions he'd rather not answer.

He'd thought about getting a roommate, but that was before his impending marriage, besides, he lived in a tiny apartment. The roommate would have to share his room, and he wasn't okay with that.

"Misaki?"

The voice that spoke his name caused the sharp shattered parts of his heart to twist, making him want to scream. He could feel the flush wash over him as his heart pounded. He could pretend to not have heard him, but what would be the point? He would just call out to him again, and it wasn't like he was on the move. It would be odd for him to jump up and run away from this table.

Misaki turned his head slowly, not really wanting to see what his ears already told him. When his eyes landed on Usagi, he felt like his heart was going to explode. That face. That remarkable face looked like it always had. Those dark purple eyes studied him with surprise, and the slight smile at his lips nearly made him want to weep.

Misaki stood, facing him. He was even more godly then he'd remembered. "Usagi? I never expected to see you here," Misaki said, then had to clear his throat to make his voice come out clearer. "How are you?"

Usagi seemed as surprised as he was. Though he supposed Usagi would be more surprised. Had he even known he was back in town?

"Misaki," Usami repeated. After a few moments of silence he added, "How long have you been back in town?"

"Not long. A few weeks." Misaki replied, then looked down at the phone that buzzed in his hand. It was a message from his brother, but he took this as the perfect opportunity to get away. "I'm sorry, but it's work and I need to go."

"Do you need a ride? I'm park…"

"No, no. I'll be fine, thanks." He gathered his things as he spoke and all but ran for a cab. "Bye!" He called out before getting in. He gave the cabby his address and sunk down in his seat. God that was horrible. He nearly fell apart right there. He hated Usagi for that. Hated that one look from that man had him feeling like freaking putty.

Angrily, he wiped at the tear on his cheek. He wasn't angry at Usagi. No, he was angry at himself for being so weak. He was a man damn it! A man! He couldn't be with another man when it came down to it so that only proved that he liked women. Right? He ignored anything to suggest otherwise and felt guilty for denying who he was.

Yeah, he was a freaking mess. One minute he was okay with being gay, the next he pretended that he wasn't. However, he hoped that marring this woman would help him with this. After all, it would be his duty as a husband to bed her. He could do that. He was sure of it. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Ugh.

* * *

Usami couldn't believe his eyes when they spotted Misaki walking over to a table and sitting. He watched as he pulled out a book and began reading. He just stood there, heart trying to leap out of his chest to go to the person of his desires. Misaki, who he had let walk out of his life two years before, was just a few feet away from him.

Unable to stop himself, he walked over. "Misaki." He watched him tense, his whole body stiffening as he seemingly thought about what to do. Then, he stood, turning his eyes on him, stopping his heart. The moment those green eyes met his, he wanted to pull him to his chest and never let go.

"Usagi? I never expected to see you here. How are you?"

"Misaki," he said, realizing he was repeating himself. He was struck. Masaki had grown quite a bit these past two years. His voice was a bit deeper, and his face was less round now. The eyes that once looked at him with childlike enthusiasm seemed dulled and wiser. He looked far older then he'd expected two years would do to someone. "How long have you been back in town?"

Usami wanted to touch him so bad his fingers ached for contact. He looked Misaki over, trying to remember everything about the way he looked at this moment.

"Not long. A few weeks." Misaki replied as he looked down at the phone. "I'm sorry, but it's work and I need to go."

Absurdly, fear flooded him as he realized Misaki will be gone once more. "Do you need a ride? I'm park…" before he could finish, Misaki was rejecting the offer and gathering his books. He gave a quick, "Bye." before rushing away.

Usami watched him run away, taking everything in him not to run after him. This was for the best, after all. He'd let him go to keep him safe. His family wasn't going to stop until they drove him away, and he was unsure how far they'd be willing to go.

This was on his mind still once he arrived home. He walked into the empty apartment, noting it felt even more lonely tonight after seeing him. He recalled the night he'd told Misaki things needed to end. Misaki had been bringing dinner to the table and stopped dead in his tracks. Those round eyes had looked his way with a sad kind of confusion in them. That pained looked haunted him. He had thought for sure that as Misaki stood there, dinner still in his hands, and eyes watering, he was thinking of an argument as to why he should stay. But he'd simply put dinner on the table and told him to come and eat.

They ate silently, neither of them sure of what to say to the other. Misaki continued the silence as he cleaned up. After he'd finished the dishes, he wished Usagi a good night and went to bed.

Usami tossed and turned all that night. He was hoping that Misaki would fight. It wasn't that he was unsure breaking up with him was for the best. It was because he wanted to give in and allow him to stay. Because while he knew what was for the best, if Misaki asked to stay, he would cave and could pretend he at least did his best. So this silence had him sick and ready to go to Misaki's room just to hold him. To beg him to ask to stay.

The next morning he'd woken to Misaki packing. He'd said he thought about it all night and agreed that it was for the best. He looked so unhappy as he spoke the words, but Usami had to let him go.

Watching Misaki walk out his front door was the hardest thing he'd ever done. It was worse than watching Takahiro date and eventually marry. It was so much worse. It made him realize that the love he'd felt for Takahiro was nothing compared to the love he felt for Misaki. It wasn't even close.

Usami sat on the couch, wishing those memories would just leave him be. He didn't want to remember what he'd lost. What his family had made him give up. Not that he'd given his father what he wanted. Every week he would receive photos of potential brides and every week he threw them right into the trash.

He'd given Misaki up to keep him safe, but that was as far as he was going with his father's request. He would never marry, and while he's had others to warm his bed, they were nothing but a release. People he used, then kick to the curb.

His phone rang, and after letting it ring, the machine picked it up. Takahiro's voice filled the room as he left the message. "Hey, Usagi! So I'm having an anniversary party next week and we are really hoping you can make it. There's also some big news, so be there!"

Usami sighed as Takahiro left the day and time. He would be free so he would go even if he didn't feel like it. Just because Takahiro was no longer the object of his desire, he was still his best friend. So he would go and pray that if he ran int Misaki, he could keep his cool.

…

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**…**

Misaki woke up panting and out of breath. He thought he'd heard someone screaming, but after he calmed his sleepy mind he'd realized it was his own shouts that woke him, and with the nightmare that was fading from his mind, he wasn't surprised.

God, he could feel it. The man's hands. His hot breath on his neck. He could hear his hoarse voice telling him to behave and he won't use the knife he held to his side. He could smell the piss and beer. It made his stomach muscles clench with fear. No. He wasn't there. He was here, safe.

Glancing at the clock he could see it was still early, but he figured it was late enough to start his day. He went about his routine, actively shoving the dream out of his mind. After he brushed his teeth, he started the coffee and breakfast.

Once he was done with both, he went on a run, something he'd only started doing since he'd been back. After that, he showered and put on

the nicest outfit he had.

He studied his reflection. His eyes were dull, and his skin pale. That was from being tired. He didn't sleep well most nights. His heart started to pound, but he quickly started thinking about what was to come. Not what was behind him. He was here. Not there.

Today he'd be meeting Nanami and while this was an arranged marriage he intended to do right by her. Part of him, however small, was almost relieved for this marriage. He could be seen as normal in the eyes of society once married. Plus she wouldn't question him if he seemed indifferent considering.

Pending fatherhood scared him a bit, though he'd been around children before and he'd have Nanami. She would no doubt be in charge of the child's care, simply relying on him for financial help and back up when needed.

Yes, this was all for the best. Truly.

Once noon came around, he tried once more time to tame his hair before heading to the restaurant. He was meeting her there, and both of them agreed to wear a pink rose so the other knew who to look for. He kinda wished they hadn't chosen roses, but it was too late now, and really it didn't matter. Roses just reminded him of Usagi.

Once he arrived at the little hole in the wall they chose, he scanned the outside tables and spotted her. She was fiddling with a glass of water, looking as nervous as he felt. As he drew closer he decided she was pretty. Not gorgeous or anything, but still. She had that kind of pretty that made you feel at home.

"Nanami?" he asked, getting her attention.

She stood suddenly, wide-eyed and red. "Yes," she said with a bow.

"Please, there's no need for that," he replied, waving her to sit. "Did you find this place okay?"

"Yes. It wasn't hard," she replied, looking back at the glass of water. "I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous about this."

Misaki laughed. "To be honest, so am I. I've never been good at things like this."

Nanami smiled. Somehow she had imagined Misaki to be scary. However, the man that sat in front of her with his shy smile and soft mannerisms wasn't scary at all. "I'm so sorry you got pulled into this. I was horrified when my cousin had told me about it."

"Ah well." Misaki shrugged. "It's no big deal, really."

"Is there no one you love?"

Usagi's smiling face popped into his head. Love wasn't the problem. He'd left because he didn't want to cause him trouble. Papa Usagi had made it clear he was an unwanted problem and that if he were to stay, things would turn for the worst. Then, Usagi suggested they go their separate ways. The words had felt like a knife in his heart and for a moment he was certain he'd heard wrong. However, after thinking it over and waiting for Usagi to say he didn't really want him to leave, he decided that maybe it was for the best.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry." She blushed.

"No, it's not you. No. There's no one."

Nanami closed her eyes as she buried her face. "I'm not reckless you know. I mean, obviously, I was a little reckless. But I loved him."

"What happened? Why isn't he marrying you?"

"He's white. My parents would never allow it. He went back to Europe, and I had planned on going to him, but…I can't do it. He doesn't know about the baby, and if he decided he wasn't ready? I can't confess any of this to my parents or ill be disowned."

Misaki sighed deeply. "Won't they realize that the baby was conceived before we got married? Also that it might look like the father?"

"I pray both will be overlooked because I married a nice Japanese man." she bowed her head as she spoke. "I'll be forever in your debt."

"Well this works in my favor too, so you don't have to feel so bad."

She looked at him with curiosity, but she didn't push it. "The party is tomorrow. Takahiro told my parents that we've been dating for a few months so we should probably decide how and when we met and started dating."

They did just that. It was decided they met on the train and went for coffee. After that, the rest was history. They talked about what they did for a living. She was a waitress. They shared things they believed a couple should know, and both were surprised to find that they got along well. While this situation was awkward, both felt at ease.

Not that it meant a whole lot. Getting along over coffee was one thing, but living together was a whole different story. Still, Misaki was used to living with people others might find difficult, so there was that. He was sure they'd make it work. One way or another.

After a few hours, they made their way to his brother's house where both were supposed to stay the night for the party the next day. As they walked in the front door they were discussing their favorite movie. Misaki stopped mid-sentence when he spotted Hiroto, his old roommate beaming at him from the couch.

"Hey, Misa!" he greeted, throwing his arms around him.

"Hey, Hiro. What are you doing here?" It wasn't that he was unhappy to see him, just surprised.

"I had the weekend off, so I figured I'd come here and see you. I looked you up, but you weren't home, so I looked your brother up." He smiled.

"Um…This is Nanami," Misaki said, turning the attention to her. He was feeling a little awkward and wanted to get the attention off him.

"Yes, your brother was telling me about your lovely bride to be," he said with a smile but looked at Misaki with questioning eyes. "Please to meet you, I am Hiroto."

* * *

"So you're getting married, huh?" Hiroto asked later that night.

"Yeah," Misaki replied as he readied a bed for Hiroto.

"That's pretty sudden. I didn't think I'd come here and find you engaged." He'd actually planned on asking if he could stay. The truth was, he missed Misaki like crazy. Yeah, things with them ended on an awkward note, but he wasn't ready to call quits. And it wasn't like he didn't know why Misaki was having a hard time with intimacy.

Neither did he, yet here they were. "When you know, you know."

Hiroto eyed his friend. No, he didn't believe that it was something so simple. "Hey, I know we kind ended on odd terms, but I hope we are still good?"

Misaki nodded. "Yeah, we're okay."

"Good."

* * *

Usami greeted Takahiro and Manami, wishing them a happy anniversary. He felt that this party seemed a little overkill for his best friend, but he just figured Manami wanted it, though he couldn't understand why. It wasn't a major anniversary. But whatever, he would do his part.

"I'm glad you could make it. So many people here are from Manami's side, so I don't know most of them." Takahiro laughed.

"No worries. I'm good with small talk. Even to those, I don't know." Usami glanced over and saw Misaki. He was standing alone, holding a glass of wine and seemed so out of place he almost chuckled. He stiffened when a man he didn't know walked over to Misaki and casually threw his arm around his shoulders.

To make the jealousy worse, Misaki's cheeks turned bright red, an adorable reaction he showed to far too many people. He missed that expression. Missed being able to fluster him with a simple look or gesture.

"You okay?" Takahiro asked, sensing the tension.

"Yeah," Usami lied easily. He waited a moment, shifting his gaze before saying. "I didn't know Misaki was back."

"Yeah, he returned a couple months ago. A job opportunity brought him back this way."

"And the guy next to him?" Usami struggled to keep his tone even because the guy was now straightening Misaki's tie, and surprisingly, Misaki didn't stop him, though he had turned beet red again. Then something or someone across the room seemed to capture his attention. Damn, he hated this. He wanted Misaki's attention!

"Oh, that's his friend Hiroto. He arrived last night. I don't think Misaki was expecting him. I have a feeling they had a falling out because Misaki seemed a bit shy when he first saw him. He gets that way when he's at odds with someone."

Yeah, he knew that well. He sipped his drink as he fought hard not to go over there and show possession. It was no longer his place. Even if that didn't sit well.

* * *

Misaki didn't know most of the people in this room. He knew the plan of course. Takahiro and Manami threw an anniversary party, getting everyone together, and at some point, they would announce that this day was doubly special and announce his and Nanami's engagement.

He didn't have a problem with the plan. Well, he wasn't going to like when all the attention shifted on him and Nanami, but he would deal. However, the fact that this was a party for Takahiro and Manami meant he knew no one.

"This is a nice place," Hiroto said as he put his arm over Misaki's shoulders. "Never been a party at a hotel before. Do you do things like this all the time?"

"Not at all," he replied with a laugh. The last time he was at a party in a hotel he'd been with Usagi, but sharing that would open a can of worms he'd rather keep closed. Hiroto knew about Usagi, but his existence was all he knew about it.

"Your tie is crooked," Hiroto said, fixing it as he spoke. "You would think you'd get better at tying it." he joked.

"Shut up," Misaki replied, and hating the fact that he was flushed. He wouldn't say it to anyone, but Hiroto was cute, and he had a way of making him blush. He looked over and saw Nanami standing alone by the drinks table. Some people had started slow dancing, and he thought he should sell them as a couple, and offer to dance with her. "Excuse me."

"You want to dance?" he asked, holding out his hand for hers.

She smiled, looking relieved. "Please. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't stop fretting about later."

Misaki walked her out to the dance floor. "I'll warn you, I'm not good at this."

"Don't worry. Just hold me close and slowly spin."

He did as she said, and when he looked past her shoulder and spotted Usagi, he paled some. Why was he here? Right, he was Takahiro's best friend. Why wouldn't he be here? Wait, if he was here now then he would be here for the announcement! No, he couldn't let that happen. He needed to find a way to tell him beforehand. Or…maybe he shouldn't. He didn't owe him anything. Still, they parted on good terms more or less, so maybe he should? Shit. What should he do?

"You okay?" Nanami asked, sensing his panic.

"I need…"

It was this moment that the music cut off and Takahiro's voice filled the room through the mic. "Good evening, everyone. I want to thank you all for celebrating with us tonight. Some might have guessed that this was a bit much for an anniversary, but tonight doubles as a celebration of an engagement."

No! wait! Not yet! Misaki's mind shouted in a panic. He glanced at Usami who was, of course, right next to his brother.

"I'm pleased to announce the engagement of my little brother and his fiancée, Nanami!"

Nothing. Misaki was hurt to see that Usagi had no reaction at all. He'd expected surprise in the least. But he seemed as bored with this news has he'd been about the party.

* * *

"Misa!" Hiroto said obnoxiously loud as he hugged Misaki to him. "I want to dance too." He pouted.

It had been about an hour since the announcement of his engagement and Misaki really wished he could leave. Like. Now.

"Hiro, you're drunk. I hate you when your drunk."

"Why?" Hiroto whined as he rested his forehead on Misaki's shoulder.

"Because you get really loud and really clingy," Misaki said with annoyance.

"But Nanami wouldn't mind, would you?"

Nanami seemed amused. "He's all yours."

"Yay!"

"Okay," Misaki said as he escorted Hiroto from the room. This was just getting embarrassing for both of them.

"Okay, you stay here and I'll call a cab," Misaki was about to go to the front desk when Hiroto grabbed his suit jacket, making him stop and look back.

"Misaki, why?"

"Because you're drunk and I can't trust you won't get lost on your way to the train."

"No. Why not me?"

Oh. That why. "Hiro…"

He was cut off by Hiroto grabbing him and planting a kiss on his lips. He struggled some, but eventually pulled away. "Hiro, no."

"Why? Because you're afraid? I would never hurt you. It can't be because of the engagement, surely you don't expect me to believe you really have feelings for that girl?"

"I care for you, Hiro, but that's all." Misaki went to move, but Hiro grabbed him, pushing him again the wall before kissing his neck.

"Just once. Please, let me have you just once!" He was desperate. He loved Misaki so much it made him stupid!

Misaki felt a bit overwhelmed by him. Hiroto was taller than he was, and he was muscular. If he wanted to take him, Hiroto would have no problem doing so, and that thought made him nauseated as it took him back to that stairwell.

"Hiro…wait." Hiroto's Hands was now unbuttoning his pants. "Stop!" He shouted as he struggled to push him away. He knew logically the Hiroto wasn't trying to hurt him, he was drunk and not thinking, but that didn't stop him from panicking because it brought him back to that night. Back to where he was forced to…

Suddenly, Hiroto's weight was gone, and the man was stumbling backward. Usagi stood between them, looking furious.

"Misaki, are you alright?" He asked, not taking his eyes off Hiroto who looked back at Usagi with surprise.

"I'm fine," Misaki replied, though he was surprised to find tears on his cheeks. "I'm okay, he added moving around Usagi, doing his best not to look at him. He was shaken, but that was due to the memory, not Hiroto.

Hiroto shook his head as Misaki approached him. "How do I forget you?"

"Hiro, I…" he's never realized he'd felt so deeply. It made him feel bad, but he didn't return his feelings. Not to the same degree.

"Let's get you a cab, okay?" Misaki said, putting his hand on Hiroto's shoulder.

"Misaki!" Usagi called after them.

"I'll be fine," Misaki called back. He couldn't allow himself to stay around Usagi for too long. No, it would complicate his feelings. He would just have to be sure to avoid him the best he could.

* * *

Do you ever feel like the universe is playing with you? Like it takes your life and tries to find the best way to completely derail you? Well, Misaki thought for sure this has to be some big cosmic joke.

The day after the announcement of his engagement, he'd learned that the company he'd been working for was bought out by some other company, and that company was going to decide who to keep and who would need to find new employment.

Good news? He wasn't out of a job. In fact, he would be getting even more pay because the company pays its workers better. Bad news? It was Marukawa books who'd bought his previous job, and now he stood in front of Isaka and a few more familiar faces as they welcome him to the company.

This. Was. Hell.

"Hey, shorty!" Isaka said as he threw his arm around him. "Been a while. Never thought I'd see you around here again."

"Yeah, me either." He replied.

"Hey, don't be nervous. The Emerald team is a great team. You'll do fabulous there! You picked the right time to show interest in manga."

Misaki simply nodded. He didn't have much else to say. Well, actually, he wanted to beg Isaka to not tell Usagi that he was now working there because…well, because he had a right to his privacy.

He hardly listened as Isaka talked on as he was brought to his new station. He made the introductions of the emerald team. Currently, they all looked exhausted, but one of them gave him a smile.

"Welcome to the team! I'm Ritsu and I'll be sure to show you the ropes."

Misaki thanked him and was glad to be out of the gaze of Isaka. He had given Misaki the impression that he had some questions, all of which would have had nothing to do with work.

* * *

He. Was. Tired. Misaki sat on his couch, feeling too tired to cook dinner. Two weeks after working there, and he had a new appreciation for manga editors.

Not only was work long hours, but he was also dealing with wedding stuff. He was tired of that too. His sister in law was having a blast planning this wedding and she asked him questions he just didn't have answers for. Hell, off white and freaking eggshell looked the same to him!

Not to mention he didn't care what kind of flowers were used or if they could use blue or purple for the splash of color. It wasn't that he was trying to be mean, it was just that he didn't really see why it mattered.

Maybe because he thought to do a big wedding was silly considering, however, they did have to keep up appearances.

He looked at his phone when he received a text. Shit. He looked in his bag for the paper his boss was looking for and he did indeed still have it. He would have to bring it over ASAP.

An hour later he was waiting for the elevator that would bring him back to the bottom floor. He was so tired he could pass out, but he only had to wait about fifteen more minutes and he'd be home in bed.

The doors opened, and his eyes met Usagi's.

"Hey, shorty," Isaka said with a smile as he passed him getting off the elevator.

Misaki stepped in, feeling suddenly more tired. He wasn't up for this. Not at all. He tensed as Usagi touched his arm.

"I heard you were working here. Congratulations."

"Thanks." God, he hated how his heart pounded in his chest. He hated that Usagi's comforting smell of soap and cigarettes filled the air around him, intoxicating him.

"And congratulations on you're marriage as well."

Usagi's voice was sad and low, but Misaki ignored it. "Thank you."

After way too long, the elevator doors opened again, and he practically bolted away. He needed to get away from Usagi and he needed fresh air.

"Hey! Misaki!" Usagi called after him. "Wait!" Usagi cornered him, putting his hands against the wall on each side of him. "Why can't you at least talk with me? I've been trying to be patient…"

"Because I can't breathe!" Misaki shouted as he fought the urge to touch him. "I can't breathe when you're so close," he added gently, turning his face down. "It confuses me." He wanted to touch him so bad. To be touched by him.

He remembered just how those large hands felt. He ached to feel those soft lips caress his skin. For Usagi to drown him in the pleasure of his touch and have him crying out his name.

"Misaki," Usagi said, taking his face in his hands.

"No, please don't," tears spilled over now. Once again, the smell of soap and cigarettes filled his nose, practically making his head spin. He knew Usagi was going to kiss him. He didn't understand why Usagi was playing with him. He was the one who broke things off after all. He wouldn't survive being kissed by him now.

"Why not?" Usagi asked in a whisper, his lips inches away from Misaki's. Not kissing him took a great deal of restraint.

Because it will destroy me, he'd thought to himself, but like hell he'd say that out loud. "Because I'm taken."

That had Usami stepping back. "Yes. You are."

Misaki stood there a moment, pulling himself back together. "I need to go."

Usagi nodded. "I don't suppose you'll accept an offer to drive you home?"

Misaki's first instinct was to decline. Not only did he not want to be stuck in a car with Usagi, but he didn't want to inconvenience him either. However after realizing the train was no longer running he realized his trip home on foot would be at least an hour, and he didn't have enough money on him for a cab due to leaving his wallet at home.

* * *

Usami was surprised that Misaki took him up on his offer, but was glad he did. Misaki looked dead on his feet. His eyes were dark with fatigue and he seemed a hair too thin for his liking.

It took everything he had not to touch him. Any of him would due. His fingers ached for contact even if it was just a little. Nevertheless, he kept his hands to himself.

He still couldn't believe that Misaki was getting married. Hell, it hurt to know that he'd had a lover. No, that man had begged to be with him at least once, so they weren't lovers, but Usami could see by the way Misaki looked at that man that he meant something. That pissed him off.

It didn't matter that he didn't have a right to be jealous. He knew damn well he was the one who broke things off, but he didn't do it because he stopped loving him. Because he stopped wanting to be Misaki's one and only. But damn it, why did Misaki agree so easily! Why didn't he fight! What the hell!

He glanced over when Misaki jerked after nearly falling asleep. "You should take better care of yourself."

"I do just fine."

Usami's Jaw clutched. "Why must you argue?"

"Why must you act like you care?"

That question threw him. "Why wouldn't I care?" He demanded.

"You broke up with me, remember? You gave up the right to care," Misaki snapped.

Usagi pulled over and shot Misaki an angry look. "Don't you dare act like me breaking up with you meant that I didn't care! Letting you walk out my door wasn't easy."

Anger flooded Misaki as he reached for the door handle. "Yeah, well leaving wasn't easy for me either, but walking away from you only gets easier!" He said as he got out of the car. He ran away as Usagi called for him.

Usami had half a mind to chase Misaki down, but figured that it would get them nowhere. Of course, Misaki was mad at him for breaking things off. After all, it wasn't like he'd given him the reasons.

Usami drove home lost in thought. He'd assumed Misaki was okay with the break up seeing how he'd been so quick to accept it. Hell, the next day he'd had most of his stuff packed.

But could that have been out of hurt? Out of confusion? Had he simply accepted that he was done with him because he felt like an inconvenience? He'd said such foolish things before, but Usami thought he'd made himself clear that Misaki was never an inconvenience. Ever.

Usami sat in the car long after he'd parked. It hurt him to know just how much he'd hurt Misaki. Back at Marukawa books when he'd been about to kiss him, the fear in hurt on Misaki's face nearly made him weep. How could he have been so careless? How could he not make himself clear as to why he'd break up with him?

This was still on his mind as he made is way into his apartment. Cigarette lit and at his lips, he laid back on the couch. He could still smell Misaki's cologne. The same subtle sent he'd used since he first met him. The scent suited him, and at some point, Usami had started to use the scent to soothe him.

He missed it. He missed Misaki. He missed the sound of Misaki living here. The smells of food cooking. The complaints that Misaki affectionately made. He'd always know when something really bothered Misaki or if he was complaining just to do it. He missed waking up and finding Misaki putting food on the table. He missed holding Misaki late as night, his soft snores helping him turn off his mind and sleep.

Misaki had brought so much life to this apartment. Hell, he'd brought life to him. With Misaki around, suddenly life was fuller. Better then he'd ever thought he'd have. Misaki had been his family and for once he thought he knew what it was like to have a family. Misaki was everything.

So how the hell did Misaki not know that?

"Get rid of him or I will." That's what his father threatened. How would he try to get rid of Misaki?

Annoyed, Usami flipped into his stomach. He wanted Misaki back, truth be told. He'd wanted him back from the moment he's ended things. But the reasons he broke things off never changed. His family was a problem and he couldn't know how far they would go.

Who was he kidding? If Misaki has walked in his door right now and asked him to take him back he would in a heartbeat. No questions. Shit, it was hard not to fall in his knees, begging Misaki to have him back. He might have done it too if Misaki wasn't about to get married.

Usami groaned as he squeezed his eyes closed. He would just have to let him go. It was as simple as that. Even if it made his chest ache. Even if he spent the rest of his life pining. He didn't want Misaki in danger. Damn his father! That bastard.

…

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**….**

**Chapter Three**

**…..**

Misaki laid in bed, the nightmare leaving him drained. It seemed to be happening more frequently lately, and he wished he could figure out why. He licked his dry lips, trying to will himself to move. His thoughts, however, had him paralyzed. He felt sick with himself. Sick that he'd allowed himself to be used like that by a stranger.

What was even sicker? His body responded. He'd hardened, as that man grabbed at him, forcing him to his knees. He's begged him not to do it. Really he didn't want it. But…Then why did his body respond to it? Why? He cried out, the pain had been unbearable. The knife that found it's way in his side hardly registered compared to the pain of the guy pushing his hardness into him. So why? Why did his body respond?

He put his hand over the scar on his side. Was he sick? Did he get some sick satisfaction over what happened? Was he…Was it proof that he was completely gay? No. Women don't like being raped, even when straight. Maybe he was raped because he liked guys.

Maybe that was his punishment. Feeling sick, he ran to the bathroom, throwing up nothing but acid. He'd skipped dinner the night before, far too tired to eat. After the dry heaving ceased, he sat on his bathroom floor and wept. Was he so wrong for liking guys? Did it really mean he deserved it?

He buried his face in his knees trying to keep himself from shattering. He was so alone. So very alone that he felt like he was drowning in himself, and he was afraid that he would suffocate before anyone could save him.

His alarm clock sounded the noise cutting into the fog that had settled over his mind. It was like a beacon to bring him back to the present. After a few minutes, he stood to turn it off. Taking a deep breath, he looked around the tiny room, trying to pulling himself together. He needed to stop crying like a child and get to work.

Push forward. He had to push forward.

* * *

"That's a filthy habit."

Usami turned to see Hiroto leaning against the building. He was unhappy to see him out here considering it was a good chance he was waiting for Misaki to get off work.

"Who asked you?"

"Misaki doesn't like smokers."

Usami turned to the man. "Are you trying to piss me off?" What was with this guy? He just wanted a freaking smoke before they resumed this extremely long and annoying meeting.

"No. I'm just trying to figure out why he's so hung up on you. You seem to be everything he hates. Or maybe, that's why he hates them."

Usami blew out smoke. "So you guys are close?"

"I'd say so. We lived together up until he moved back here. At first living with him was a bit annoying, to be honest. He was always quiet and seemed to walk on eggshells. He never wanted to do anything to inconvenience me. And the nighttime screaming?" Hiroto shook his head. "But after some time, I couldn't help but fall for him. Even if he wouldn't let me in."

"Nighttime screaming?" Usami asked. What did that mean?

"Oh, his night terrors. He had them a lot when we started living together. He doesn't seem to have them so bad now. I asked what they were about once, but he told me to mind my own damn business. But he cried out the words, please stop, a lot. So I have drawn my conclusions. He didn't live in a great neighborhood before we moved in together."

Usami's blood ran cold when he thought he understood what he was getting at. Had someone assaulted him? Anger filled him, making him warm with it. If that was the case he'd murder the man who did it!

"Anyway, I'm going back home, but I have to apologize for acting like an ass before I go."

"Took you long enough," Usami grumbled. His behavior at the party had been inexcusable.

" I guess I should say, apologize again. We got together a few days after to clear the air. I'm still surprised he's getting married, but I understand it now."

Usami's brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"The marriage is arranged. His brother asked him to marry her because she's with child. Foolish boy. What else was he to do with a story like that? Misaki is too good a person to not accept."

* * *

Misaki waved as he joined Nanami. They made plans to have dinner at his brothers and decided to meet at the train station. It was a relief to know that he actually enjoyed her company. She had something about her that put him at ease.

"Hey, how was work?" She asked warmly.

"Long," he replied. "But I'm now free for two weeks for the wedding and such. I was really surprised that they allowed it." He wondered if Isaka had something to do with that. Therefore, Usagi could have something to do with it.

"Yes. It's generous. How are you feeling about the whole thing?"

Misaki shrugged. "I agreed to this and I'm prepared to see it through. How about you?"

She said nothing as they boarded the train. She had motioned for him to take the available seat, but he refused, so she sat.

"I miss Eli." She let out a deep sigh. "I wish I knew how he would react to finding out about the baby, but I just can't bring myself to do it."

"How old is he?" Misaki asked.

"Nineteen. His birthday is just a few months before mine."

Misaki nodded. Funny how just a few years made nineteen seem young. He was only twenty-three. So why did nineteen seem so young? It was kinda dumb really.

They talked about Eli as they walked from the train station to his brothers. She was telling him how they met and about the time they went to the amusement park. Apparently, Eli wasn't much for rollercoasters, but instead of telling her, he went on one and was sick for hours after.

Misaki opened the front door for her and the yells inside reached them immediately, silencing their laughter.

"What the hell were you thinking? How can you do that to him?" Usagi was shouting.

"Nanami was in trouble. I had to find a way to help. Calm down, Usagi. What on earth is your problem!" Takahiro replied in a raised voice.

"Because you know that Misaki would never say no even if he wanted to! You took advantage of his kindness!"

There was a crashing sound that sent them both running to the kitchen. A bowl was broken on the floor, Manami was watching the men with nervous eyes and Usagi glared at Takahiro.

"Misaki is kind-hearted but he seemed more than happy to accept the offer. Nanami is a nice girl who will do her best to make him happy."

"How can she possibly make him happy? She doesn't even know him!" No woman could make him happy, and the only man he wanted making Misaki happy was him.

"Usagi, what are you doing?" Misaki asked, interrupting them. He was baffled. He'd never even seen them disagree on anything, let along fight like this. The hatred in Usagi's eyes as he looked at Takahiro was something he never thought he'd see.

"I…" Usagi looked over at Nanami before looked back at Misaki. "You don't have to marry her. Don't let your compassion make you unhappy, Misaki."

"I'm not unhappy."

"Like hell your not! Don't forget who you're talking to!" He could see it. The misery. The pain he was carrying. Was the because of him or was Hiroto right and there was an incident that contributed to this sad Misaki that stood before him?

"Get out!" Misaki shouted. He didn't want to do this anymore. He just wanted Usagi to leave him the hell alone! "My life is none of your business! So just.."

"Misaki," Nanami said as she put her hand on his arm, stopping his words. She could see it now. Plain as day. "Usami is just worried for you. There's no need to be harsh."

"He's intruding!"

"He's hurting," she whispered loud enough for only Misaki to hear.

Her words made his eyes widen. He really looked at Usagi now. Yes, he was hurting. His eyes were so sad and it looked as though he wasn't sleeping well. But that wasn't his problem and Usagi needed to just leave them in the past. He wasn't going to go back on his word.

"Usagi, I don't understand your anger," Takahiro said with confusion. Why was this so important? What was it to him?

"You know nothing about me," Usagi snapped back, moving his arm out of Takahiro's reach. "You've always been blind."

They all stood silently as Usagi let himself out of the house. After a moment, Manami went to her husband.

"That was so unlike him," she said with concern. "Maybe you should reach out to him after you've calmed down."

Takahiro looked at Misaki. "You have any idea what that's about?" He noted that Misaki was flushed and looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"No. Excuse me, but I'm not very hungry." He went up to the guest room, not minding that Nanami had followed.

Nanami closed the door before speaking. "This is why you've agreed. Why you can't be with the one you love."

"He was a long time ago." Wait, shouldn't he be denying this? What was he saying?

"Usami seems to still love you. I believe you love him too."

"Things are better this way." Misaki angrily wipes at the fallen tear. "Things are too complicated for us to be together."

Nanami sat on the bed. "Is it your brother?"

"He's only part of the problem. You know, they are best friends. That's how I met Usagi in the first place. Usagi used to love my brother. Then his affections shifted to me after I started living with him. At first, I thought I was just a replacement, but then I started to think that maybe he really did love me."

A sob escaped his throat suddenly and he fell to his knees. This made him angry. Why did he have to feel these feelings? "I try to deny my emotions. I try to push them down, but the honest truth is…is…"

"You love him too."

"I do! But there's more than my brother that complicates things. He is a famous author! And his family don't like us being together and they are a prominent family. They've made it clear my existence is a problem. I never want to cause problems for him and on top of all that, we are both men!" The next words exploded out of him. "It's disgusting, isn't it! My love for him!"

Nanami had to wipe away tears of her own. He was hurting and clearly feeling very alone. She knelt beside him, rubbing his back. "I don't think any love between two consenting adults is disgusting. I think love of any kind is beautiful."

"People would judge. It would be problematic."

"Yes, they would and yes it might be. But you, Misaki are a wonderfully beautiful person and if anyone can't see you for that and accept that you love a man, that's on them. That's their problem."

That was only part of it. He was tainted now. He'd been used. He couldn't be touched without being afraid. Those thoughts ran through his mind, but he looked at her as if seeing her for the first time. "It doesn't disgust you?"

"Not at all," she replied, wiping a tear from his cheek before taking his face in her hands. "I think you have a right to love who you love and anyone who disagrees can go fuck themselves."

Her words echoed in her head. She chucked some. "I guess I should consider my own advice, huh? Isn't it me who can't tell her family she's in life with a white man?"

Misaki laughed a little too. "We are both in similar boats, huh?"

* * *

Later they found themselves comfortable on the bed, talking like a couple of teenage girls as they cuddled, their heads close together. He had told her the events that led up to his breakup with Usagi. He had never told anyone this before, not even Hiroto, and it felt so good to get it out. Even better, Nanami didn't judge him.

"It seems sudden, doesn't it?"

"It hardly matters. Fact is, it's better for him that we aren't together."

"I'm not sure he thinks so. Maybe he had a reason for breaking up with you, similar to the reason you didn't fight him on it."

Misaki nodded. She had a point he supposed. He looked at her when her stomach growled. "Why don't we go out for food? I'm not an expert, but something tells me not eating properly isn't good for the baby."

"No, it's not. Besides, my cousin wants to talk wedding, and I'm not sure I'm up for that tonight."

She followed him out, and after telling their hosts that they were going out, they hit the pavement. "Oh, by the way, I found out this morning that the baby is a girl."

"Wow. Congratulations." somehow knowing that, this baby seemed so much more real. Nanami wasn't even showing yet.

"I know the baby isn't yours, but if you have any names you like, I would love to hear them."

Misaki felt a bit surprised at this. "I've never thought about it before, but, I'll let you know." He took her hand, receiving a smile from her.

"I'm glad that it's you. I feel like I can really count on you."

Misaki smiled. Except he was a mess. "I will do my best to meet your expectations."

She looked at him as they walked. He was so handsome. Kind. He hardly smiled. Well, he hardly genuinely smiled. "How about we make a deal?" She waited for him to respond before continuing. "I won't expect anything from you and you don't expect anything from me? I don't want you to feel like you have to be something or someone you aren't." She didn't want him to force her to be that either.

"Nanami…" He'd almost told her. Almost said that he was afraid. Afraid that he would never be able to please her the way a husband should. He wanted to tell her about what happened to him. That he had night terrors and there were some nights he was so alone. So cold within himself that he'd want to end it all. To stop living altogether. The words choked him, and he just shook his head. "Agreed."

* * *

Before he knew it, the day of the wedding came. Misaki was surprisingly nervous. He wasn't planning on back out or anything like that, but seriously, this whole thing was nerve-wracking.

He arrived at the ceremony spot and was quickly brought to his room. Now he stood there, eyeing the tuxedo he needed to put on. He still sucked at ties.

With a sigh he got ready. Luckily this wasn't his first time putting on a tux. He liked the way it fit. Though he shouldn't be surprised since it was tailored to him.

He fidgeted a bit while looking in the mirror before attempting the damn tie. He got it tied, but couldn't get it to sit right. Was there some kind of freaking trick he was missing?

"Come in," he said to whoever knocked in the door. In the mirror, he watched Usagi wall into the room. "Usagi?"

"Misaki," he replied in greeting. "You look…" he wanted to say sexy, but Misaki wouldn't like that. "Great."

"So do you," Misaki replied. Usagi always looked great. He blushed a little as he thought about kissing him. He missed it. The feel of their lips touching. He wanted it. He wanted to touch... He looked away.

Once again, he to fix his tie. He'd thought about asking him to leave as he fiddled with the damn thing, but in truth, there was a comfort in his presence. Usagi at the moment was calming him some.

"Here," Usagi said, going to him and slapping his hands away. In no time at all the tie was perfect. "I'm oddly happy that the art of tying a tie eludes you."

"Shut up," Misaki replies, blushing as he looked down.

"Misaki. Tell me the truth, are you okay with doing this? Truly?"

Misaki looked up at him now. Had Usagi always been this much taller than him? "I wasn't forced into it. I made the agreement with my eyes open."

Usagi seemed annoyed with the answer, but he said nothing as he sat on the couch. He went to pull out a cigarette, but Misaki eyed him with warning, so he put them back in his pocket.

"Have you made up with my brother?"

Usagi looked up. "More or less."

"Listen." Misaki shifted nervously. "Thanks for that. Worrying about me. Just, it's not your job anymore, so you don't have too."

"You stupid boy," Usagi said as he shook his head "I don't worry because I think I have to. I worry because I still care about you."

The door opened making them both look over. Takahiro walked in, clearly surprised to see Usagi sitting on the couch. "You look good, little brother," he said, seemingly ignoring his friend's presence.

"Thank you. Is everything about ready?"

"Yes. Everything is going as planned. Usagi, might I get your help?"

"Sure thing," Usagi said as he stood. "See you out there." He ruffled Misaki's hair as he passed without even thinking about it.

"You're staying?" Misaki replies, suddenly much more nervous. It was a stupid question, he knew he was here for the wedding, but how could he marry someone else in front of the only person he loved? And yet, the idea of him being here was also oddly comforting.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." Usagi's eyes met Misaki's so full of emotion it nearly knocked the wind out of him.

Misaki closed his eyes as he forced his thundering heart to calm the hell down. The door opened again and he was surprised as Nanami rushed in.

"Hey," she said, putting on what was supposed to be a smile. "Wow, you look lovely."

You looked panicked, he thought to himself, but he wasn't going to tell her that. "You look lovely yourself." He replied. "Oh, I think I like the name Kaiya. I think it's pretty and any child can grow into it."

Nanami smiled. "It's a pretty name."

Misaki studied her. She seemed uncomfortable. Like she was ready to run. Her eyes darted around and her hands were constantly fiddling with her dress. "Nanami, are you alright?"

"No. I'm not." She started crying. "Eli found me last night. A mutual friend saw me at the doctors and told Eli about my condition. He told me that he loves me and he wants me to leave with him."

"Well, that's good news, isn't it?" Misaki asked as he brought her a tissue.

"My family will never allow it. If I go with him, they will disown me. I do not think I can survive that. This isn't a choice I can make so suddenly. Not to mention I would humiliate them even more if we call off this wedding."

Misaki nodded. He understood her to a point. His situation wasn't so different. He could never tell his brother about him and Usagi. He doesn't know how he would react to that. Not that it mattered anymore seeing as they weren't together.

"No. I'll do my duty. I promised to give you my hand in marriage, so that's what I'll do."

* * *

Misaki looked over the crowd as he waited for her to come down the aisle. His eyes landed in Usagi, and his heart did a flip. He shifted his gaze when Nanami started down the aisle.

Once she joined him, he could see her tears through the vail. She didn't want to do this. He looked back at Usagi as the ceremony started. He didn't hear the words spoken, as he lost his senses in Usagi's eyes.

He did however notice the way Nanami trembled. This brought his eyes back to her, and she looked at him with a begging expression. But what did she want him to do? To stop this? To ignore her reaction and keep it going?

He looked back to Usagi once more and nearly stopped breathing. Usagi…was crying? Surely he wasn't getting emotional in front of people. He never cried in front of anyone. No one except him.

Nanami's trembling breath made him act. He took her hand firmly and ran. He could hear the sounds of the surprised people, but he didn't let that stop him.

"What are you doing?" she asked as they ran.

"Getting away! Just run!" He replied, feeling lighter then he had in months. He wasn't sure why, but somehow this made him feel so light he could fly.

Nanami laughed as she ran with him. "Misaki, what." She paused as they got into a taxi. "Misaki."

"I couldn't do it. Not with you shaking like a leaf and him there."

She shook her head. "But what about."

"Screw them," he said as he took her face in his hands and planted a kiss on her lips. "Nanami, go be with him. The man clearly knows what he wants and if your family disowns you, you can be my family. I'll always be there if you need me and we can holiday together."

"Misaki."

"Listen, if tell me right now that this is what you want, I will turn this cab around, but I can't marry you when you're looking at me with that expression." Not to mention he'd lost his own nerve. Usagi was crying! How could he possibly get married in front of him? He would though. If she really wanted to go through with it.

She laughed as tears fell. "Thank you." She swallowed her fear. "You're right. I want to be with him. I want to raise my baby with him."

They took the cab to the train and ran from the train to the hotel Eli was staying in. They laughed the whole run because it was raining and they probably looked rather odd running in the rain in wedding getup.

Misaki escorted her to Eli's room and seeing the two reunite confirmed to him that he did the right thing. That this was the right call.

"You call me when you guys get to where you're going." Misaki kissed her cheek and shook hands with a beaming Eli. They had spent about an hour talking, and Misaki decided this Eli was a good man.

"What about you? I feel as though I get to run away while you deal with the fallout."

"Nothing I can't handle. We made the right choice. This is how it needed to be."

Nanami hugged him once more. "I'm going to name my baby Kaiya." She said as she pulled away. "She will know that it was you who named her. The man who saved her mother."

That made him a little emotional. At some point, he'd started to look forward to being a father. "Promise to bring her to visit." She agreed and they said goodbyes.

Misaki rode down the elevator and tried to think about where he should go. He didn't want to deal with all this tonight. So his brother's place was out. Likely his own too. He didn't have enough money for a hotel either. That was a problem.

Still, tonight he felt okay. He felt like for the first time in so long he could breathe easier. He smiled as he thought about how happy Nanami was. At least one of them would get their happy ending. She had a lot of family drama headed her way, no doubt about that, but she was strong and she would pull through.

Now, he had to figure out where to go, and he felt sick as he thought about it. There was one place he could think of, and he really wished he'd had another option.

….

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Phew this chapter is breaking my heart some. Descriptions of rape. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**….**

**Chapter Four**

…

This was a bad idea, Misaki thought as he took the elevator to Usagi's apartment. It was a terrible idea, actually. His first move after tonight was to make some damn friends. Not that he actually would. Honestly, the idea of having more people in his life exhausted him.

As he drew nearer, his heart fluttered as if he were a teenaged boy ready to tell his crush he was in love. The need for sleep had him knocking on the door, but the moment he had, he wished he could run away. This was a horrible idea. So why was a small part of him happy?

Had he actually thought this through? What if Usagi wasn't home? What if he was, but wasn't alone? That thought made Misaki a little sick to his stomach. What if his brother was here? Wait, this wasn't thought through. He should just go…

"Who is it?" Usagi's voice asked over the intercom, keeping Misaki from leaving. He could have left. He could not have said a word and walked right out of there. Maybe he should have.

"Uh, it's me. Misaki."

The door opened moments later, and Usagi's expression was one of surprise. "I didn't expect you."

He felt his cheeks warm as he looked at Usagi. He was Still wearing Suit pants and the shirt was still on but unbuttoned, exposing Usagi's glorious torso. He couldn't stop his eyes from drifting down to where his sexy V line was visible. Misaki hardened as he thought about Usagi naked.

"Um." Man, he was still so bad at this. He really felt bad about randomly showing up. He shivered because he was still wet from the rain and it was cold. "I…"

"Would you like to come in?" Usagi asked, stepping aside. He couldn't help but smile because Misaki was still as he'd always been. He figured Misaki needed a place to hide out for the night, but asking to stay was never easy. He never wanted to be an inconvenience to anyone.

Misaki went in, and to his surprise, his eyes watered as he took the place in. It was the same as always. Nothing was out of place and the familiarity of it made him relax some. It also made his stomach ache with loss and longing.

He turned to Usagi and cleared his throat. "May I stay the night? After today I don't think I can face my brother right now."

Usagi chuckled. "Yes, that was quite the scene the two of you caused. People were shocked and family members died of embarrassment. I believe your brother mentioned murder."

Misaki felt guilty as Usagi walked away. He returned with a towel, and without a word, he started toweling Misaki's hair. Misaki let him, allowing this familiar act to soothe him.

"You can stay," Usagi replied finally. He'd took his time answering because he wanted to take this moment to be close to Misaki. He was surprised Misaki didn't push him away.

His voice snapped Misaki out of his thoughts and he took over the drying of his hair. Having Usagi do it just seemed too close. "Thank you."

"Come on. I'll get you some clothes. You need to get out of those before you catch a cold."

Misaki did as he was told, and stopped at the bathroom to remove his wet clothes. Usagi walked in as he pulled off his shirt. He was startled some when Usagi grabbed his arm and held it up over his head.

"What happened here?" Usagi asked around his cigarette. His eyes burned into Misaki as he waited for an answer. It looked like a freaking stab wound!

"Let go, "Misaki demanded as he pulled his shaking arm out of Usagi's grip. He didn't want to think about that. He was self-conscious about it too. It was a physical reminder of what he struggled to forget.

"Misaki?"

"It's nothing. Just a scar," he replied, holding his hands out for the clothes.

Usagi surrendered them, not pushing for further details. Misaki was shaken. Was this just confirmation as to what Hiroto had said? About Misaki being hurt?

When Misaki made his way downstairs, Usagi was sitting on the couch, a laptop balanced on his legs, writing. Without a word, Misaki sat on the couch opposite Usagi. The overly large stuffed bear that sat beside him in its usual spot was a comfort and he couldn't help but smile some.

He leaned into it, allowing it to bring him some comfort. It smelled like home. The scent made him sleepy for some reason. His muscles relaxed and for a moment it was like everything was going to be just fine.

He wasn't sure when he closed his eyes or when he fell asleep, but for the first time in what seemed like forever, he fell asleep quickly without thoughts from the past haunting him, though he didn't remain dreamless.

At first, his dreams were just swirls of shapes and sounds. That odd state between awake and asleep. When logical thought drifted into the odd thoughts that accompanied dreams and showed you a reality that wasn't real but felt to be.

He found himself walking down the street. The night air was chilly, but pleasantly so. It had been a long day and he dreamt of food and sleep after a hot shower. With thoughts of what was to come the following day, Misaki paid little mind to the world around him.

He did become more alert as he approached his apartment. He was not blind to the fact that he lived in a dangerous part of the city, therefore, he couldn't be too careful. He decided he would take Hiroto up on the offer to be roommates. It would be better then living here.

He looked up at his building, noting that the landlord still hasn't fixed the broken lights on the stairwell. Tonight, it looked extra dark, and there was a prickle on his neck, telling him not to go up. However, up was where home was, so what choice did he have?

As he headed up, the familiar scent of piss and beer reached his nose. He'd made the thought that at least vomit wasn't in the air tonight. He'd moved to the side, allowing the man who was coming down the room to pass. But the man never would pass. Misaki somehow knew that this man was trouble.

His heart stopped when the man grabbed him from behind, pushing him, chest first into the wall. Misaki had never had a knife to his side before, but there was no mistaking what he couldn't see. He could feel the point pressing into his skin through his shirt.

"Fight me, boy, and you'll have this in your side."

He could feel the man's breath on his neck as he gruffly spoke. The beer on his breath told Misaki that he was likely drunk. "Please, don't." Misaki bagged as the man rubbed himself against him.

"You'll like it," Came the man's response as he stuck his hand up Misaki's shirt, running his hands up his stomach, and back down. "So fit," the man said as he bit into the flesh of his neck.

Misaki squeezed his eyes shut as if not seeing could block out what was happening. "Please, you can take my wallet! My watch, anything, but please." Tears rolled down his cheeks as the man unbuttoned his pants. "Don't!" Misaki cried as the man's hands touched him.

"Mmmm." the man moaned in his ear. The man shifted, forcing Misaki down to his knees. His hand touched something sticky, and down here, the smell of piss and beer was nearly as unbearable as the man's hands were.

When the man started undoing his own pants, Misaki panicked. No. He wasn't going to let this happen. He tried to get away, but the man was quicker, bigger, and stronger then he was. The searing pain in his side told him that the knife the man threatened to use on him was now in his side.

He cried out as the pain overwhelmed him. The man, who's cock was now sprung free from his pants, forced himself in, blinding Misaki with pain. He saw black dots as the pain overtook him. He knew he cried. Knew he begged, but the man kept going, pushing, moving, thrusting painfully in him.

To his horror, he had hardened and was on the verge of orgasm. How? How could he be turned on like this? He didn't feel aroused. No, he felt pain and sickness. Then why did he respond? Why was this happening?

The man's final thrust was hard, and his panting turned into grunts as he finished in him. The man's hot breath lingered for a moment before he moved. As sudden as the attack happened, it was over.

Misaki lay there unable to move. Hardly able to breathe. He had the vague thought that he was bleeding out. He could feel his blood pooling around him. How much blood? Was that way he felt like he was drifting? Or was it the pain of the rape that had him feeling this way?

Move. He had to move. What if the man came back? What if he wanted more? That fear had his heart racing. He had to move. He looked over when he heard a noise, and a shadow came closer. No! he screamed to himself. No Please no!

* * *

Usami decided not to move him. Instead, he covered him up before ruffling his hair some. He felt like a weight had been lifted. It was just right, Misaki being here. Like suddenly everything that had been wrong was right again.

Feeling inspired, Usami went upstairs to write. It had been far too long since the words seemed to flow out of him this fluidly. Like having Misaki home was something he needed to allow his creative side to be free from its chains.

It was only an hour later when the blood-curdling scream had him jumping from his chair and running down the stairs. By the time he reached Misaki, he was awake, breathing heavily.

"Misaki, what's wrong?"

"No. Nothing," Misaki replied. He was on the floor and scooted away as Usagi reached out for him. "No. Don't. Don't." He was fighting for composure. This dream had been too real. Way too real. He could see his attacker. Smell the beer on his breath. The mixture of piss and beer as he forced him to his knees…

Usami reached for him again. How could he not when he shook so violently and was pale as a ghost. "Let me help you." His heart ached. How could anyone do this to him? Put this much fear in him? It pissed him off to think someone had.

"Don't," Misaki said even as his gripped Usagi's shirt. "God if you get too close…I'll." The sob vibrated through him as he buried his face in Usagi's shirt and cried.

* * *

A little later Misaki sat on the couch, legs pulled up to his chest with his face buried in his knees. He was mortified with what had happened. He'd broken down in front of Usagi like a child might. It made him feel so dumb.

Now he was on the couch, avoiding Usagi's gaze. He didn't think he could handle it. "Thanks." He mumbled as Usagi handed him a glass of water.

"Misaki. What happened?"

Misaki didn't want to reply, but this was the third time Usagi had asked in the last hour. He felt himself quiver some. Why? Why was he going to tell him?

"It was late. I had to stay at the office late to get the manuscript done in time. The building I was staying in, it was really rundown, but it's all I could afford at the time. I had actually started to look for a new place, but anyway." He paused, taking a shaky breath. "The lights in the stairwell were broken so it was kinda dark. I hardly saw him when he approached me. When he grabbed me, I fought back, but then he stabbed me. I…he…" his head swam as he thought back to it. The smell of piss and beer. The awful stench of the man's breath, hot on his neck. The man's grunts and his own cries as he was raped.

"Misaki."

"He forced me. I cried. I begged for him no to. I told him he could have all my money. My whole wallet. I called out for help, but I couldn't. He left me there and someone found me after and called the ambulance." He shuttered with the memory. "I'm so ashamed.

Usami's heart ached. How could someone do this? How could someone put their hands on him! "Why are you ashamed?"

Misaki exploded out of his seat. "Because I should have fought harder! I should have stopped him. Instead, I sat there like a coward and let myself be used." Because his body responded. He had…no. He wouldn't say that. Couldn't say it.

"You were raped! People don't get raped by choice. He'd already stabbed you. Had you giving him more trouble you could have died."

"Sometimes I wish I had." There was no passion behind his words.

Usami went to him, pulling him to his chest. "Don't. Don't ever think that. God, don't ever say that." The idea of Misaki being dead panicked him. Made his blood run cold.

Misaki pulled away. If he allowed this to go on any further he'd end up kissing Usagi and if he kissed him, he'd break for sure.

"I'm going to go to sleep."

Usami let him go feeling helpless. How could he make Misaki feel better? Safer? Knowing what happened to him made the blood in his veins boil. How could anyone do that to his Misaki!

Usami lit a cigarette and went out to the balcony. This was no good. With Misaki around, he was starting to realize he could never really let him go. Yet, he didn't want to sneak around with him either. How far would his father really go? Would Misaki be willing to be in a complicated relationship?

Two years ago Misaki seemed so young. Too young to handle threats from his family. Though now, he seemed way to grown-up for his age. Would it be fair? To ask him to come back?

Except, Misaki left. He'd seemed so eager to go. That's why Usami let him leave in the first place. Shit. He sometimes hated how much he loved Misaki. He was so in love with him he was stupid.

Like going over to Takahiro to yell at him for asking Misaki to marry someone. That wasn't his place, but he'd been so angry. And Takahiro hadn't a clue as to why. How could he? They never came clean about their relationship and Takahiro was too blind to see that his best friend was gay.

Too blind to see that he'd been in love with him for years. Until Misaki. Misaki came along and showed him what loving someone was really about. What he felt for Misaki was way beyond anything he'd ever felt toward anyone.

Usagi rand his hand down his face. This was only going to get more complicated because he knew he didn't want Misaki to leave this apartment. But there was no logical reason for him to stay either. Damn it!

* * *

"Morning," Misaki said as Usagi walked out of his room. He looked tired, not that Misaki was surprised. He knew that his next book was supposed to be released soon.

"Morning," Usagi replied a little surprised.

"I made breakfast. I didn't think you'd mind. Not that you have much in your fridge or pantry, but I made due."

Usagi sat, and watched Misaki as he sat and poured out the coffee. He put in two sugars just like He liked it and handed it over.

"Thank you," Usagi said as he took it.

"You're welcome," Misaki replied as he poured his own cup. "How's the book coming?"

Usagi looked up from his food. "How did you know there was one?"

"I've been reading your latest series. It's really great. A little sad maybe, but compelling. I know the next book is supposed to come out soon, and you look like you've been up all night. So it was just a guess."

"You read my books?" He was moved by this. Sure, Misaki had decided to become an editor, which he'd thought was an odd chance in career, but still.

"I read all your stuff." Misaki blushed as he said this and looked down as he always did when feeling bashful.

Usagi sat there just staring at him. He was so happy about this he could burst with it. "Which book in this new series is your favorite?"

"The second one for sure. They are all good, but the romance between the main characters in that one really hits home for me." Misaki smiled as he spoke. "She was so afraid to fall for him because she didn't think she had anything to offer, and he had everything. But he loved her anyway. So he pursued her. I love the scene where she feels embarrassed about her scars from surgeries and he kisses each one of them," Misaki laughed some as he shook his head. "Sorry."

"I lo…" Usagi had almost said he loved him. Which was true, but would be unfair to say. He cleared his throat. "I loved that part too."

Misaki's heart was in his throat. He was sure Usagi was going to say he loved him, which wouldn't be okay. He broke things off with him, and Misaki agreed for good reason.

"Anyway. After breakfast, I think I need to go face my brother…."

They both looked over when someone knocked. Usagi answered it and followed a pissed Takahiro from the front door to the living room.

"You have a lot of explaining to do, young man!" He said exasperated. "Not only do you embarrass me by running out of the wedding, the bride in tow, you worry me by not answering your phone! And you!" He added, turning on Usagi. "You told me he wasn't here!"

"When you asked, he wasn't." Usagi shrugged, lighting a cigarette.

"Why? Misaki? Why on earth would you do this?"

"Calm down, Takahiro. It's not the end of the world." Usagi said.

"What is with you? Why do I feel like you are on his side? Aren't you supposed to be my best friend? How about you have my back?"

"Takahiro," Misaki said, calling his attention off Usagi. "Nanami didn't want to marry me."

"It was an arranged marriage! Of course, she didn't want too! You both knew that from the beginning."

Misaki explained how Eli had found out about the baby and the wedding and begged her to go back to England with him. How she wasn't sure she could do it and that she wouldn't break the promise she'd made to Misaki, but he couldn't make her marry him when the man she loved offered her a life together.

"I just couldn't do it, so I ran with her. I brought her to Eli and I'm sure they are now on hair way to England." He left out the part where he decided he couldn't marry her either because Usagi. That detail wasn't necessary.

"Do you have any idea regarding the consequences of these actions? Did you even think? She could be disowned! Her family is angry. Angry at her, at you! Did you think about the backlash that would fall on Manami and me! Boy, you have really messed things up for me this time!"

"Enough," Usagi said, butting in.

"Stay out of it, Usagi. You might not mind cutting ties with your family, but I mind cutting ties with mine!"

"What do you mean?" Usagi asked, confused.

"They want their daughter back and if you two don't show and marry like you were supposed to, they want me to cut you out!"

"Who do these people think they are?" Usagi asked, shaking his head.

"They know about the baby. We've convinced them it's yours. They are willing…"

"No." Misaki felt sick. Was he really going to disown him? "She's happy. She and the baby are going to have great lives with the man she loves. I will not call her back here and crush her dreams. I told her if her family disowns her, then I'll be her family. You do what you must, but I won't get between her and her happiness."

"Misaki…please listen to reason."

"Do you plan on doing it? Disowning him?" Usagi asked, unable to keep the anger from his tone.

Takahiro let out a frustrated sigh. If I don't, they will disown Manami. This is much bigger than the two of us, Misaki."

"Sounds like you two would be better off. What family disowns their own?"

Takahiro looked at Usagi with exasperation. "They are really old fashioned. Manami doesn't have a lot to do with them but she doesn't want to be cut off. Misaki, please…"

Usagi shook his head as he chuckled. "I never thought I'd see you use your baby brother."

Takahiro flushed with annoyance. "I'm just trying to rectify his actions."

"Actions he had to take in the first place because you played on his humanity!"

"Usagi," Misaki said.

"I don't understand why you feel so strongly about this one way or the other, what has gotten into you?" Takahiro asked.

"Because I care! When did you become so self-centered?"

Misaki stepped in between them. "Okay, let's take a break."

"I'm done. You come to find me when you've come to your senses!"

Misaki winced when his brother slammed the door. He knew they'd caused trouble, but this was a bit more then he'd realized. Would his brother disown him?

"Hey…"

"I'm fine," Misaki said, stopping Usagi from rustling his hair. "I think I'm going to get changed and go home."

"Misaki," Usagi said when he was halfway up the stairs. Misaki paused, looking down at Usagi. "You always have family in me. My door is always open.

Well shit. That made Misaki want to tear up a little. "Thank you."

Misaki changed and after a quick goodbye was out the door. Once he was gone, the reality of being disowned seemed to hit hard. He'd lost his parents when he was young, and his brother was all he had left. How had things come to this? He couldn't even believe is brother was considered this.

Still. He wasn't going to get Nanami involved. She had a right to happiness and that was that. Besides, he wouldn't have been right for her. She would grow to resent the man who never warmed her bed.

Misaki felt alone in his apartment. Yes, he was alone here, but somehow, he felt even more alone than usual. He looked around, noting that everything looked the same. Nothing was out of place.

His small couch was still punched against the wall. His tv still sat awkwardly on his dresser, which wouldn't fit in his tiny bedroom. The kitchen was small too. So small that the microwave seemed huge there. Against the far wall was a bookshelf that spawned from one side of the room to the other. On it was all of Usagi's books. Even his stupid boys love series. And some of the books he had a hand in editing made it on the shelf as well.

His apartment could fit comfortably in Usagi's. And Unlike Usagi's, he had no touches of personality in here. No pictures or paintings. No statues or nicknacks of any kind. Hell, he didn't even have a plant.

Maybe he should get a fish. A fish would liven the place up at least a little bit. He'd have a reason to come home.

Misaki sighed as he stripped off the tuxedo jacket. He was struck with some embarrassment when he remembered he'd left Usagi's shirt on when putting his dress shirt on. He told himself it was just because it was comfortable and he wanted it to sleep in. While that was true, Usagi's shirts were always comfortable because they were often big on him, he wanted it because it smelt like Usagi and that was comforting.

He glanced at his phone when it went off, and noticed it was a text from his brother. He said they seriously needed to talk this through. He wasn't wrong, but until things calmed down, perhaps it was better they didn't talk.

"What did I get myself into?" Misaki asked himself as he turned the tv on. Things were starting to get way complicated and he was afraid he'd drown. He didn't want to be disowned, but he couldn't make Nanami marry him. There was just no way to fix this. The family would have to come to terms with everything. Hopefully, they would. Because if he got disowned he would go from having a small family to having no one.

Maybe he'd move to England. Nanami would surely accept him as family. Or maybe he should just let them be. He wouldn't want them to feel obligated.

Ugh. This was a hot mess. He hadn't really thought things would be so horrible if the wedding hadn't gone through. Who really disowns people for not getting married? Okay, the really old family sometimes does. Geez.

Usagi's words replayed in his head. "You'll always have family in me. My door is always open." Usagi meant it too. There was nothing but sincerity in his tone. Those words had meant the world to him.

…

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**…**

"Misaki! You're needed in conference room nine," Isaka said upon his return. He'd just gotten back from lunch and was already running a little behind schedule.

"Oh?" He replied confused. He hadn't remembered needing to be at a meeting today.

"Yeah, Izumi Imari is working on some new thing and since you're her new editor, they need you in on it."

Misaki nodded as he grabbed his things. He wondered what it was about. Izumi hadn't said anything to him about starting a new series. She'd just finished her last one. Not that it mattered really. It was his job, but today he felt heavy and the idea of being in a meeting made his head spin a little.

That damn nightmare. It seemed to be happening more and more often and it was freaking him out. He was late to work twice this week because he had to take time to pull his shit back together before coming in. It was ridiculous. How silly he must look, shaking like a leaf because of a nightmare.

Misaki opened the door and the moment he did Izumi threw her arms around him. "Takahashi! I'm so glad you are finally here!" Her actions were no surprise she was a really handsy kind of person.

"Hey, Izumi." Misaki looked up to see Aikawa and Usagi. Cue more confusion.

"I've been reading Mr. Usami's newest romance series and I was just telling him I want to desperately turn it into a manga! I've fallen in love with the characters and the world!" She turned to Usagi, a huge grin on her face. Your work is simply marvelous!

"This series really is something, isn't it!" Aikawa squealed with her."

"Anywho!" Izumi said pulling a large sketchbook from her bag. "These are samples of my work. You can of course read through my mangas. The series I just finished is by far my favorite. Also, nothing will be published without your approval! I want you to be involved in everything. And of course, you will get some of the royalties! I just really want to make your world a reality!"

She glanced over at Misaki. " Takahashi, I've seen you read the series. Wouldn't it be awesome to have it drawn out?"

Misaki smiled. She sure did have a lot of energy. "Yeah, it would be pretty cool, but you must give Usagi time to think it through."

"Usagi?" She said surprised. "Wait, you two know each other?"

"They sure do! They used to be roommates" Aikawa replied with a wink.

Okay, that was information he would have liked to keep to himself, and what was with the wink? He looked at Izumi who looked to be bursting with questions. "We are getting off track," Misaki said, rubbing his temples. He was exhausted.

"I'll do it," Usami said, making Izumi gasp in excitement.

"Omg! You are awesome!" She said as she hugged Usami quickly. "I'll get started on sketching the characters tonight! Takahashi, you will bring them to Mr. Usagi for approval, yes?"

"That's my job," he replied as she hurried out of the room. Aikawa followed after her, talking about contracts needing to be drawn up.

"That artist must be a handful," Usagi said as he crossed his arms.

"She's excitable all right and she can talk your ear off. Although she's always on the ball. Never misses a deadline."

"I look forward to working with you, Misaki." Usagi put his hand on Misaki's head as he passed him. "Gives me a reason to see you."

Misaki's heart flipped in his chest. He should have realized that they would see a lot of each other due to this. "Yeah, I look forward to working with you too," he replied weakly. He was kinda happy to have a reason to be around him, even if he wouldn't say it out loud, but he was also unsure about having to see him regularly. Could he survive it?

* * *

A few days later Misaki had found Usagi waiting outside his apartment. He looked so out of place there. Him in his fancy suit and that air of elegance he naturally put off. He didn't belong in a place like this.

"Usagi? What are you doing here?" Misaki asked, stopping a few feet away from him.

"You said Izumi's sketches were ready. I was in the area, so instead of you having to wake up early and come to my place, I figured I'd stop here." Okay, that was only an excuse, but it worked.

"How do you even know where I live?"

"I know everything," Usagi replies with confidence.

Misaki sighed. "Isaka told you, didn't he?"

Usagi shrugged. "You going to let me in?"

Misaki tried to come up with a good reason not to let him in, but couldn't seem to think of one. He was way too tired for it. So with resignation, he unlocked the door, allowing entry.

"It's not much to look at," Misaki said with embarrassment. He could feel the blush hit his cheeks and hated it.

Usagi took it all in. It was small but clean. "Nothing wrong with having a small place. Could use some personal touches though."

As Usagi wondered around, Misaki put his bag on the table and pulled out the sketches. He'd already looked at them and thought she did an amazing job on them, but Usagi needed to approve them before they went any further.

"You have all my books," Usagi said, surprise in his voice.

Misaki looked at him, blush annoyingly warming his cheeks again. "Yes." He had to clear his throat to continue. "Here are the sketches."

Usagi stared at the books a moment longer before walking over to him. He spent a good amount of time studying each sketch. The girl did have talent, and while not each of them matched what he imagined in his head perfectly, they were all pretty damn close.

"What do you think?" He asked, pulling out a cigarette and popping it between his lips.

"I think," Misaki started saying, pulling the cigarette out of Usagi's mouth. "That she did a great job. They are all really close to how I imagined them to look. She really spent time on the details." He paused a moment as he gave Usagi the cigarette. "Sorry, we aren't allowed to smoke in here."

Usagi smiled. He couldn't help but too. "You're such a good boy."

"Shut up," Misaki replied, shaking his head. "Anyway, do you approve?"

"Yes. These are great."

Misaki nodded, putting the sketches away and sending a text to Izumi. He stood now, awkwardly. "I'd offer you food or something, but I don't have any."

Usagi looked at him, unimpressed. "Why don't you have food?"

"Well…I mean, I have corner store food," he replied, pointing to the food he'd brought in. "I don't imagine it's something you'd want."

"Do you not have money for food?" The thought that Misaki wasn't eating angered him some.

"I just don't buy it because I'm busy. It easier just to pick food up." Please don't look at me like that! My heart can't take it! He thought, looking away.

"You know if you need anything, you can come to me, right?"

Misaki looked at him. "I don't want too."

Okay, that hurt, Usagi thought to himself. "Misaki…"

"You just don't get it, do you?" He closed his eyes with embarrassment. "Being around you when I can't be with you, it hurts me."

"Then why did you walk out so easily? Why didn't you fight to stay?"

"I don't want to do this. Please go."

Usagi grabbed him, pushing him against the wall. His mouth was inches from Misaki's, but he couldn't kiss him. Because the truth was, if he started, he wouldn't be able to stop. It didn't help that Misaki's words played in his ear. Being this close to him made him confused.

Instead, he put his forehead to Misaki's. He wanted him so bad. Not just sexually, though the idea of having Misaki under his was crazy alluring. It took every inch of self-control not to kiss him. To touch him. To beg him to come home.

"I'm sorry," Usagi said, moving. "I will try to respect your boundaries."

Misaki licked his dry lips. He could still feel Usagi's warm breath on his face. The smell of soap and cigarettes tangled in his nose making him want to cry. He hated that Usagi made him feel like maybe he won't fall apart.

"I should go," Usagi said, but didn't move. He looked once more at the bookshelf.

Don't go. That's what Misaki wanted to say. I don't want to be alone. He was so alone. He felt himself slipping. Like he was fighting his way up a steep incline and he was slipping and running out of energy.

"Misaki, please. If you need anything. Anything at all." He looked so unhappy. So lost. His eyes held no life and that scared the hell out of him. What was Misaki feeling? How could he help him?

Misaki nodded, unable to speak.

"Okay. See you."

Misaki held his breath until Usagi was gone. Damn, this was going to be a rough assignment having to work closely with Usagi. But he would do it. It was his job.

* * *

Usagi waited, feeling a little nervous which was odd because he wasn't even here for himself. He was lucky enough to have a psychiatrist as a friend and she agreed to answer some questions for him. He was worried about Misaki, and he wanted to know how he could help.

"Usami?" the receptionist called. "She can see you now."

He stood, thanked her, and walked back. "Aria, how are you?"

"I'm great, she said, putting her hand on her belly. "Ready for this little guy to get out of me." she laughed as she waved him to sit. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Busy as always." Jeez even when it wasn't about him this made him uneasy. He hated people who analyze you mentally.

"I was surprised you called. Then less surprised when you said you have questions about a situation that wasn't yours. Care to elaborate?"

"A friend of mine. No, really, a friend of mine," he added because she raised an eyebrow. "He was raped." Man, that was hard to say out loud. It made his blood boil. "He's struggling with it and I don't know how to help him. He has nightmares and there are times when his eyes seem so empty and distant that it scares me."

Aria nodded as she stood. "Anything to drink?" she asked going to the mini-fridge and pulled out chocolate milk for herself.

"No thank you."

She thought it over as she sat, opened the drink. Just getting her thoughts into order. "Men don't usually come to me with this sort of problem. The sad fact is, it happens to men too, and they want to talk about it even less then women do. However, I think it's safe to say he's feeling similar to how a woman feels. Rape is…a loss of control. The victim is often left feeling confused, afraid, used, angry, guilty."

Usami's brow furrowed "Guilty?"

"Yes. They often end up blaming themselves. If I hadn't worn this dress or taken that shortcut. If I hadn't come on too strong or went to that friend's house instead. How can I let this happen to me? Why didn't I fight or fight harder? Then to take it a step further, many victims feel sickened because their bodies did what they are biologically designed to do. They can't understand how they managed to get wet, or in his case possibly got hard when they didn't want it. It's not uncommon for an orgasm to take place, and that just makes the whole thing worse. They didn't want it, and yet… But that's what our bodies are designed to do, and even if orgasm does happen, that doesn't mean you liked it. It doesn't mean you wanted it. It means your body works the way it was intended."

"How do I help him? If he's dealing with all that?" He felt sick. He wanted to go to Misaki right now and hold him close and tell him that what happened to him wasn't his fault.

"All you can do is be there. Make sure he knows he's not alone. Does he talk about it?"

Usagi shook his head. "Once when he told me what happened, but nothing since and he wouldn't let me help him. He pushes me away."

"Victims do. They feel like this is their own problem. They often want to push it down and away. They don't want people to know about it because of shame. This is why I feel it needs to be talked about more. We have to make it so being raped isn't any more shameful then catching a cold. Once women feel they can talk about it, more of them will seek the help they need. And men," she added.

She paused a moment, drinking and watching him. She was curious about his relationship with the man he's talking about. She was well aware of his sexual preferences. This man looked to mean a great deal to him. "I wish I can be of more help. The truth is, you can't help until he wants it. He needs therapy. Any rape victim does. But you can't force him to do it and you can't make him confide in you. Again, all you can do is be there for him. Try to get across to him that you will be there when he's ready to let you in."

"I don't know that he will ever be ready for that. I messed up, Aria. My family…" He felt a little sick as he took a deep breath. "He was young. I wanted to protect him."

"From what?"

Usami stood, shaking his head. "Thank you for talking with me. I feel like maybe I understand him just a little better."

She stood, too. "You're very welcome. My door is always open. Please, if you need anything, don't hesitate to call me." She wished he would call, but she knew he wouldn't. He was too afraid to talk about his past, and she didn't think he realized how much it impacted him now.

"Yeah, sure," he replied before getting the hell out of there. Once outside, he lit a cigarette and puffed it deeply. He hated Psychiatrists.

* * *

"I don't understand," Misaki said as he sat. "Who would pay my rent for an entire year?" Usagi's image popped in his head, and annoyance filled him. "Actually, on second thought, I know the answer." He said his goodbyes before hanging up.

He wasted no time going to Usagi's. He was going to give him an ear full about putting his nose into people's business. Bonus? He didn't even have to knock because Aikawa was letting herself in as he arrived.

"You have business this morning as well?"

"You can say that." He followed her in, and up the stairs. Of course, he would still be sleep. He stepped into Usagi's room after her, but when she flipped on the light, he'd wished he'd waited downstairs.

His heart broke at the sight of the man in bed with Usagi. To make matters worse, they were in the middle of…it!

"Usami! You have a deadline young man!" Aikawa said, paying no mind to the situation before her.

Misaki backed out of the room as quickly as he could. He knew Usagi said his name, but he ignored it. He wanted to flee. To get the hell out of there, but he had business with Usagi. Both personal and professional. So he just sat at the table, talking himself out of letting any emotion show in his face.

"Usami!" Aikawa said as she followed him downstairs.

"Misaki, I'm sorry."

He'd meant to too. Misaki could hear that clear as day in his voice. That didn't make him feel better. "That's none of my business. Izumi has finished the first draft and needs you to look it over." He said as he stood, pulling the draft out of his bag.

"Well that was awkward," a man Misaki didn't know said as he joined them. "I hadn't expected an audience."

Aikawa waved her hand. "Don't mind us. We will be out of your hair soon enough."

"No matter," the man said. "I have to work, so I'll be on my way."

"Also," Misaki said, pretending that he was fine. Yep, tots cool with this. "I don't need your money."

"My money?"

"I know you paid my rent off for a year. First of all, I didn't ask you to do that. Second, what if I didn't plan on staying there? You have no right to meddle in my business."

"Misaki, I swear I didn't pay your rent. Trust me, if I was going to pay your rent, I'd move you into a bigger place first."

"Who the hell else would…" Oh no. It had been him! He had thought he'd saw Usagi's brother drive past that one time. The car even slowed some. Had he done it? God, he hoped not because that was something he didn't need!

"What? Who did you think of?"

"No one. Read that through and get back to me." Misaki tried to make his escape, but Usagi caught his arm.

"My brother? Have you run into him again?"

"Maybe," he said, jerking his arm free.

"Stay away from him." He said cooly.

"I don't have to if I don't want to." He replied before leaving.

Usagi's hurt expression haunted him all the way to Marukawa books. Why on earth did he say that? He had no intention of getting anywhere close to brother Usagi. He had only said it to put distance between them. He regretted it. Even though he was hurting form seeing Usagi with someone else. Shit, he was jealous as hell. Still, he didn't want to hurt him.

* * *

Misaki felt nervous as he knocked on his brother's door. It had been about two months since The whole wedding mess, and he'd hadn't talked to Takahiro since that morning at Usagi's.

"Hey," Manami said, opening the door and stepping aside. She looked a little frazzled, but her smile was as welcoming as always.

"Uncle Misaki!" Mahiro said as he hugged him.

"Hey, you. Look how big you've gotten!" Misaki replied.

"Takahiro is at the table. Thank you for coming." She took Mahiro's hand and led him into the living room.

Misaki went to the kitchen and saw Takahiro waiting. When his brother turned and gave him an unsure smile, he felt uneasy. When had things become like this? What on earth was happening?

"Hey. Come sit." Takahiro said as he stood. "Want something to drink?"

"No, I'm good. Thank you."

Takahiro sat back down. "I'm sorry. I said horrible things and this isn't sitting well with me. I'm not going to disown you. I told that to Manami and she's agreed. I shouldn't have told you I would. I didn't mean it."

"I didn't mean to cause trouble for you either." Misaki sighed. "I just couldn't make her marry me. I couldn't."

"I know. You're a good person. It's just who you are."

"Will Manami's family disowns her?"

"She said she really thinks it's an empty threat, but even if it's not, she can't allow me to disown you. She knows it will hurt me. And you. Besides, Usagi might murder me if I do. He cares for you. I'm glad my best friend has my little brothers back. Even when I don't."

Misaki said nothing about that because there was nothing to say. Usagi was always overstepping. They weren't together anymore!

"Anyway. He's next on my list to apologize too. I heard you guys are working together?"

"Yeah. One of my authors is turning his latest series into a manga. I didn't know things like that were even done, but."

"Wow. That's cool. "

"If you could consider working with Usagi cool. The man is a major pain in the ass."

Takahiro laughed deeply. "Yes. I do recall hating to team up with him for school projects. So with that in mind, good luck."

* * *

Misaki was super annoyed. It had been two weeks since he realized brother Usagi probably was the one who paid his rent and every day since he'd wake up and find some kind of care package outside. The first week he brought them in. The second week he'd left them outside to see if it would make him stop, but apparently not. Then the landlord called him and asked him to get rid of the stuff. So he threw them away.

This morning he woke to find a note with keys. Apparently brother Usagi has deemed his apartment unlivable and has given him a new one. Yeah. Like he'd actually move into it.

"You okay? Ritsu asked. "You're looking a little rough.

"I'm peachy," Misaki replied. He sighed because it comes out bitchy. "Sorry. I'm just a little exasperated."

Masamune walked in, and Ritsue smiled at him gently. Not for the first time, Misaki wondered if the two were going out. There was an unspoken tenderness there.

"So, you want to talk about it? Ritsu asked. "We can do lunch together."

"I wouldn't mind having lunch with you, but my problem isn't something I'm interested in share. It far too complicated really."

"Well, my offer stands,"

They did go to lunch together. Ritsu really was a nice guy and they had more in common then he would have thought.

After eating, they were heading out of the restaurant, and Misaki nearly retreated when he saw brother Usagi. He probably would have if the man hadn't spotted him. Was he stalking him now?

"You okay?" Ritsu asked.

"Yeah. Hey, I'll meet you back at work."

"Yeah, sure. See you."

Misaki approached brother Usagi. "What are you doing here?"

"I saw you were in the area. How are you?"

"Listen, I think it's nice what you are trying to do, but I don't need you to be nice to me. I can take care of my own rent and I can buy my own stuff."

"But I can provide you with better. I know you won't live in the mansion with me, but surely the apartment is far superior to the one you live in."

"I wouldn't know. I haven't seen it. You're missing the point…"

"You are no longer with Akihiko, correct?"

"I…" wow it was still hard to admit he'd had a relationship with him. Even now. "No, we aren't." Saying that out loud hurt.

"Then I have a chance. Let me take you to dinner."

Was this guy dense or something? "I don't think so." Misaki was growing more irritated.

"You could love me to you know. If you just tried."

Misaki took a deep breath. "I don't want to try. Now please, leave me alone."

"I'll tell my father that you and Akihiko are together." As he suspected, that had Misaki stopping.

"It's not true…"

"Yes, but if he were to have you followed and see that you two are spending lots of time together, it would look suspicious."

"I'll explain that it's not what it looks like." His heart pounded in his chest. Would he do that? Truly?

"And who do you think my father will believe? Hmm?"

His blood ran cold. He had him cornered. "What do I have to do to keep you from doing that?"

Haruhiko smiled. "For starters, you can agree to dinner tonight."

* * *

Dinner was uncomfortable. Not only was Misaki tired, but he also didn't like how he felt sitting across from Brother Usagi. The man's eyes made him feel uneasy. Like he would devour him at any given moment.

"How was work?" Haruhiko asked as he sipped his wine.

"Fine," Misaki replied. He looked down at the food in front of him. He was hungry, but his uneasy made him a little nauseous.

Haruhiko chuckled. "You're like a child who's been asked how school was. Did anything interesting happen?"

Misaki made himself busy with eating. He knew his silence wasn't going to satisfy brother Usagi. That didn't make talking any easier. "Just another day really. Thinks are a little hectic due to deadlines."

"Ah. Yes. I imagine it can get a little crazy. Work for me had been hectic as well, but I'm used to it. Give it time, you'll be used to it too."

"Yeah, maybe."

"When are you going to move into the apartment I gave you? It's fully furnished, so you needn't worry about that. I would love to visit once you move in."

"I'm not moving into the apartment, Brother Usagi."

"Please, call me Haruhiko, and why not?"

"Because I have a place to live in. Maybe it's too small for you, but I like it." Also, he didn't want handouts. He worked hard for the things he got. Even when Usagi used to give him everything, he made up for it by cleaning, cooking, and whatever else he could do. He didn't want people thinking he needed taking care of.

"If you like living there, why do you often look so sad?" Misaki had grown since the last time they'd spoken like this, but his eyes were dull too. It worried him.

"I'm not sad. I'm tired because someone is blackmailing me into dinner."

"Yes well." Haruhiko shrugged. "So then we should get down to business. I truly believe you could love me, and unlike Akihiko, I won't let outside influences impact our relationship. So, date me, for five months, and if you haven't fallen in love with me, then I'll give up.

His nostrils flared as anger settled. "You've got to be joking?"

"Not at all. I take you very seriously."

Misaki was sick. He hated that his eyes started to burn. What the hell was he to do? He didn't want Haruhiko to tell his father that he and Usagi were together, but he didn't want to date him either. Shit. Why? Why was this happening to him?

"Oh, and you can't tell Usagi about this either. He will just complicate things."

Misaki stood. He felt like he might jump out of his skin. "Fine. We can date, but after five months is up, you leave me the hell alone, indefinitely."

"Assuming you haven't fallen madly in love with me? Deal."

Misaki walked away then. He was so confused and upset. Hasn't the universe taken enough from him? Put him through enough? Hasn't he met his quota of bad shit happening to him in his lifetime?

He gasped from surprise when he was grabbed from behind, and Haruhiko pulled him close, placing a kiss on his neck. As Haruhiko held him, he panicked. He felt his blood run cold and wished the man would let him go. "Let go," he said, pulling away.

"Did I frighten you?" Haruhiko asked with a smile. "You're so cute. Come on, I'll take you home."

Misaki watched him with questioning eyes. "To my apartment?"

He laughed. "Fine, I promise I will take you to that pea-sized apartment."

The drive there was silent, and when Misaki got out of the car, he took his first full breath. He was unraveling and wanted desperately to shower and curl up in bed.

Haruhiko followed him to his door, and once there, pulled him close. Misaki stood there, unmoving as the man did so. "When can we see each other again?"

"Um," Misaki was unsure. He never wanted to see him again. "I have Thursday off."

"Great, I'll pick you up." he moved, kissing Misaki.

Misaki was too stunned to do anything. He was paralyzed with uncertainty. He didn't want to have sex with Haruhiko. What if that was what he was after right now?

"Goodnight," he said as he pulled away.

Misaki closed his eyes. Watching him walk away was the best thing that happened to him all night. With shaky hands, Misaki opened his door. Sleep. He needed sleep.

* * *

Misaki considered himself a reasonable person. Maybe he could be a bit dense. Sometimes a little slow on the uptake. But this? He didn't think his anger was out of line. What the hell was that man thinking?

Imagine his shock when his landlord called an said he was sorry to see him go, but he needed to have his things out by Monday because the apartment already has been leased to someone new.

He had asked the landlord what he was talking about and he said that he'd called to say he was breaking the lease and paid the fine.

What. The. Hell. That was taking it way to far to force him to do what he wanted him to do. He was pissed and now homeless. He couldn't afford the down payment on a lease just now.

So he was fuming after the call and to make things worse, he had to deal with Usagi today. Great. That's what he wanted just now.

"I'm just not sure about this setting. Is this what you were thinking? Izumi asked. "I also drew up these as well."

Usagi looked them over as Misaki paced the room. He glanced at his watch. He had a meeting with another author at four. After that, well, who the hell knew!

He could stay at his brothers for a bit maybe. They did have an extra room. He'd only be there a short while. Once he found a place he could afford.

"Misaki?"

Misaki looked over at them. "Huh?"

Izumi giggled. "Your mind is far away."

"You look worried." Usagi started.

Thanks, it's the worrying, he thought to himself. "I'm fine." He wasn't really. Haruhiko was stressing him out and the nightmares.

"We think we like this setting best, he wants to know what you think," Izumi said showing it to him.

"Yeah, that's fine. I will let the two of you finish here. I have a meeting I can't miss."

"Misaki, if you need anything."

"Yeah yeah," Misaki replied in his way out.

* * *

Well, he didn't see that coming. He'd gone to his brother asking for a place to crash. They offered the couch because, surprise, she's pregnant and they'd already turned the guest room into a nursery. They had planned on telling him at their scheduled dinner the following night, but since he was here.

He didn't want to intrude, so he ended up at Ritsu's place for the night. After that, he'd stayed the night at the office, though he doubted he'd be able to do that long.

There was nothing he could afford either. Most low rent places were currently filled. The ones that weren't were way too far to commute to.

A week later, he was sleep-deprived and still homeless. To make things worse, he had actually started to consider going to the apartment brother Usagi was paying for.

It just felt like if he did that, then it would give Haruhiko the idea that he had some kind of chance and he didn't want to do that. He couldn't do that.

All this extra stress was starting to take its toll. He felt adrift with nothing to anchor him. His apartment might not have been much, but it was his and he'd had a place to call his own.

He felt like he was going to cry, so he made himself shift his thoughts. No way was he going to cry in front of his coworkers. No way. Keep your shit together, he told himself. You can keep your cool a little longer.

* * *

"I don't see what the big deal is," Haruhiko said as he read the document.

Misaki had been forced into spending the night here, and he was currently in the family room waiting for Haruhiko to allow him to leave for the night. In the meantime, he bitched about having no place to stay and what a shitty thing Haruhiko did by breaking his lease.

"You can always stay here if you'd prefer."

Misaki rolled his eyes. "You're missing the point. I liked my place, and you overstepped."

Haruhiko put down work and joined Misaki on the couch. He pulled him close, burying his nose in his hair. "Aren't you enjoying our time together? Even a little?"

"No," He didn't have the energy to lie. It wasn't like he didn't know anyway.

"That's mean." Haruhiko kissed Misaki on the lips. This had started about a week ago.

Misaki sat still like he always did when Haruhiko kissed him. Just five months. That's all and it would be all over with.

"Misaki, let me make love to you."

Misaki moved now, going all the way to the door of the room. "No. That's where I draw the line. No." He hated that he shook. Fear that Haruhiko would force him made his head spin and he swore he could smell piss and beer. Oh god, please no.

"Easy, Misaki. I won't force myself on you. Not like that." What was this response?

"I want to go home," Misaki replied. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to pretend to be okay. He wanted to go home.

Hruhiko thought it over. He didn't want Misaki to leave. He really enjoyed his company, but when he looked the way he looked now, he couldn't refuse the request. "Let me take you."

"No thanks," Misaki replied and bolted out the door, in his pj's and without shoes. To make matters more inconvenient, it was raining, and he didn't have a home currently.

He ran until he couldn't run anymore. He stopped, leaning over, and breathing heavily. Unable to stand any longer, he fell to his knees feeling as if his lungs were going to explode. He was fighting sickness and his head felt like it was swimming. He'd been afraid. So afraid.

Why? Why did it happen to him? Why couldn't he let it go? It haunted him, affected every aspect of his life. He pretended to be strong. He put a smile on his face, laughed when he was supposed to. He did what he had to do, and it hurt. Every forced smile and fake laugh hurt because people believed him. Because people had no idea that while he was laughing, he was dying inside.

…..

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**…**

Usagi watched Misaki from the corner of his eye. He had Misaki, Izumi, and Aikawa over so they could talk about the Manga. They were close to finishing and the first chapter would be released soon.

At first, he'd only agreed to do this because Misaki had seemed so excited about it, but he didn't think he'd like it nearly as much as he did. Izumi was brilliant.

Misaki looked a little pale tonight and he didn't like that. Was he sick? He hadn't said much, nor had he eaten much. He looked like a ghost of a person.

"I think this is fantastic, Izumi. I still have to run all this past Masamune, but I doubt there will be any problems." Misaki said. He leaned on the table some, feeling a little lightheaded.

"Awesome, Izumi said as she stood. "I look forward to hearing from you."

Misaki nodded, though he wasn't sure he even understood what she said. Man, he was coming down with a cold or something. "I'll call you tomorrow."

Usagi went to Misaki, worried. He looked like he was ready to pass out. "You have a fever," he said after putting his hand on Misaki's forehead. He was burning up.

Misaki moves, intending to brush Usagi off, but the world spun and he was out.

"Oh no!" Izumi shouted.

"It's okay, we just need to get his temperature down," Aikawa said, going to the kitchen.

Usagi, sat on the floor holding Misaki. His heart squeeze with worry as Aikawa took control of the situation. He was going to be fine. He had to be fine.

* * *

Usagi looked over at a feverish Misaki as he spoke him his sleep. He'd called out for his parents a few times, and that was heartbreaking. Takahiro has said Misaki blames himself for the death of his parents, so he wasn't surprised that Misaki would dream about them.

The doctor said Misaki would be okay. If the fever lasted longer then four days he was to bring him to the hospital, and if it ever got too high and they couldn't bring it down, he was to bring him to the hospital. Misaki had the flu made worse, apparently, by self-neglect.

He mostly slept, which was a good thing. He also preferred to be on the couch. Something about not wanting to be stuck in the room. He seemed eased some by the TV, though the moment he laid down on the couch and turned the thing on, he was out.

Usagi didn't mind him out there though. It gave him access to easily keep an eye on him and after bringing his computer out, he could watch him and work.

Misaki moaned, his aching muscles likely behind the sound. The poor man was just miserable. It made Usagi feel helpless at times. He wanted to do something. Anything to ease him, but all he could do was be there in case Misaki needed something.

"I love you, Usagi." The words came it mumbled, but that didn't stop Usagi's heart from leaping with joy. He still loved him! God didn't that just fill him with a warmth that spread through him.

He went to him, kneeling by the couch, and moved some of Misaki's hair out of his face. His handsome face, currently too pale, no longer held the roundness it once had. Even his eyes had matured. He's seen things. Experienced things that aged him far quicker than needed.

Usagi's stomach clenched as he thought about what Misaki went through. It seemed unreal that something like that could happen to the love of his life. It angered him and annoyed him that there was nothing to do with that anger.

Then, he had questions. Did he report the incident? Does he know who did it? Had he talked to anyone about it to help heal? He figured he knew the answers, but he wanted to know anyway.

"I love you, too," he said, kissing Misaki's forehead. He really, truly, unconditionally did.

Usagi turned, resting his back against the couch. He had to explain himself. Tell Misaki why he'd broken things off with him two years ago. Maybe then he can…Would that be selfish? To pull him into the drama his family would bring?

"It's hot," Misaki grumbled.

"Hey," Usagi said, turning. He touched Misaki's forehead, which was now sweaty. "Your fever broke. Let me get you some water."

"How long have I been asleep this time?" He hated feeling this out of it.

"It's almost one in the morning," Usagi helped Misaki sit up before handing him the cup. "you hungry?"

"No. I'm not." He took in Usagi's expression. "You made me eat dinner. I'm sure I'll survive until breakfast."

"Yeah. You're right."

Misaki finished his water before standing. He would have laughed if he had the energy because Usagi looked so anxious about his standing.

"I haven't lost the use of my body," Misaki informed him. "I can make it upstairs by myself."

"Sure," Usagi said, walking over to the stairs with him. "It just so happens I need to go up too." He just wanted to be sure Misaki was steady enough. There was nothing wrong with that.

Usagi was locked out of the bathroom, not that he was surprised. He was surprised, However, when Misaki found him a few minutes later, beet red.

"What's wrong?"

"You know, people would ask if I've ever had the flu and I would say I wasn't sure, well, I've never had the flu and this is the worst sickness I've ever gone through."

Usagi wasn't sure how to respond to that. Misaki looked embarrassed and flustered. "You're still tired?"

"I'm exhausted and my body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds, but I need a shower and I'm just too tired to stand." He looked away now. "So I thought I'd settle for a bath, but I'm not sure I'd be able to get out of you deep tub on my own…" he trailed off. He wouldn't be asking but he really needed to have a proper shower. Or in this case, bath.

"You're asking for help?" Usagi tried not to smile, but he did. He stood, taking Misaki's hand. "You're still adorable," he said as he led a frowning Misaki to the bath.

"I don't need your help getting in," Misaki pouted. Really he was too sick to care as much as he normally would.

Usagi ignored his pouting and started the bath. "Get undress and get in," he told him. He was a bit surprised when he obliged.

Once settled, Usagi sat outside the tub. "You scared the hell out of me, you know. I nearly panicked when you passed out on my floor."

"Don't remind me."

"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling sick?"

Misaki brought his knees up to rest his head on them. The hot water of the bath felt amazing, but it made him more tired than he already was. "It's not your problem. Besides, I didn't realize it was so bad."

"I still care about you. You can tell me things like that."

"I can't. It' would make it seem like we were lovers, and we aren't."

Ouch. He decided to switch gears. "So I was going to go to your house to pick up some things for you, but I can't find your keys."

"Oh…" hell what did he say to that? "Maybe that's because I don't have any." He grew quieter as he spoke.

"You don't have keys?"

"They would be useless without an apartment."

Usagi turned to him. "What happened to your apartment?"

"I don't have it anymore."

"I gathered that. Why? Where have you been staying."

"Here and there." Misaki closed his eyes as Usagi stood. He knew that look on Usagi's face. He was upset.

"Misaki, you mean to tell me you're homeless?"

"That's a strong word. I'm just in-between places. I wasn't planning on needing to get a place and none are available."

"Misaki, you have to fill in the gaps here. Did you lease run out?"

It was unavoidable. He tried to come up with some explanation that didn't include Haruhiko, but his brain was way too groggy for that. So he told him everything. From running into him outside the restaurant to all the care packages and how he technically had a place to go, but he refused to go to it. He did however keep out the part about them dating and why. There was no need to bring that up.

Seething. Usagi was seething. That bastard. He was sick of him trying to get Misaki to be his. Even if Misaki was no lover his lover, over his dead body would he allow him to end up with Haruhiko.

He said nothing as he grabbed the shampoo, and washed Misaki's hair, trying not to show how upset he was. "Well, you can stay here until something opens up. If you want."

"I don't want to be in your way." Though the idea of staying here was pleasing. He liked it here, and Usagi was here. Not that he should consider that. They weren't together and being under the same roof would make things awkward. Not to mention Haruhiko wouldn't be pleased. Jeez, this was a mess. Haruhiko was already mad that he was sick and staying here instead of going there.

"When will you get it through your head?" Usagi said as he rinsed Misaki's hair. "You're never an inconvenience to me."

Misaki pulled away from Usagi. He was suddenly aware of the intimacy of Usagi helping him in the bath. "I'll think about it."

"Good," Usagi replied, not missing the shift in Misaki. But right now, he had bigger fish to fry.

* * *

"Do you have any idea the hour? Haruhiko said as he stood on the stairs looking down at a fuming Akihiko. Did this mean Misaki spilled the beans?

"He told me you broke his lease and made him homeless. You stupid bastard!"

"I did no such thing. He has a place to stay. He just refused to do it."

He hated that uncaring and arrogant tone. The same one he'd use when they were kids. "Does it not matter to you that you make him uncomfortable? He doesn't like you that way."

"Someday he might," Haruhiko smiled. "I'm sure in time he will."

Akihiko moved, going up the stairs and grabbing Haruhiko's shirt. "You stay away from him!"

Haruhiko cocked his head to the side. "Funny, I'm not sure you two are on the same page."

"What are you blabbing on about?"

"Misaki and I are dating. Why should I have to stay away from him?"

Usami stood there, anger flooding through him to the point where his hands felt numb. His jaw clenched as he fought the urge to punch his brother right in the face. "You lie."

"Do I? Why don't you run home and ask him? Surely he will tell you the truth of things."

"If he's dating you, then why is he at my house?" He was violently angry as he spoke. He shook with rage.

"Because I told him to stay there. I can't afford to be sick just now. He might not love me yet, brother, but once I show him all I can offer? He will be begging me to let him stay. Soon enough I will have him crying out my name while I fuck…Umph."

Usami struck him and hard. Haruhiko went down, losing his footing. Before he could make a return hit, their father walked in the front door and demanded they both stand down.

"Akihiko? Why are you here?"

"I was just leaving," he said, before looking over at Haruhiko. "You watch your mouth and where you put your hands."

He felt sick as he drove home. Raging mad as he thought over his brother's words. Was it true? Was Misaki really dating him? How? Why? Misaki had always been made uncomfortable by Haruhiko. So, surely it wasn't true. Right? Please, he thought as his eyes burned with hurt. Please don't let it be true.

* * *

Misaki jumped awake, taking a moment to ground himself. He wasn't feeling too awful at the moment, and he prayed that it would stay this way. He sat, picking up his phone off the side table. There was a text from Haruhiko, which informed him that Usagi went to see him early this morning and he told him they were dating, and he was to say the were if asked, as well as keep the reason behind it out of it. To make things worse, he'd sent a picture of Usagi and him kissing as to prove he had the higher ground. From the angle, it wasn't clear that it was an old picture.

He sat there, his heart pounding hard as it broke. How had Usagi taken that? It must have hurt him, and that made Misaki feel horrible. He never wanted to hurt Usagi. Oh god. He let his head hang as he cried some. How could he ever face him?

It had to be done sooner or later, however, so he was soon walking downstairs to find Usagi already awake and sitting on the couch. He had a cigarette in his mouth and a book in his hands. He looked like he hadn't slept and Misaki figured that it was likely the case. Would Usagi ask about it?

"Morning," Misaki said as he crossed to the kitchen. "Hungry?"

"No," Usagi replied, his tone seemingly indifferent.

"Well, I'm starved." It was true enough. For the first time in days, he actually felt hungry.

"Good," came the quick response.

Unnerved, Misaki took time making breakfast. He took as long as he possibly could, but all too soon he was sitting down at the table, and he could feel Usagi's angry glances as he ate. Or tired to eat.

After ten minutes and a few bits of the meal he no longer intended on eating, Misaki stood. He couldn't take the tension anymore and he wasn't sure whether to come right out and ask if he knows, or to wait for Usagi to bring it up.

"You didn't eat," Usagi said, looking over at him. There was concern in his eyes along with the anger.

"I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought I was." He started for the kitchen and stopped when Usagi spoke.

"Are you dating Haruhiko?"

Misaki has to swallow the lump in his throat. He'd expected the question to sound angry, but Usagi's tone was full of pain. "yes."

"Yes?" Usagi stood, watching Misaki go to the kitchen. "Yes? You say it as if it means nothing."

Misaki simply shrugged. He was unsure of what else to say.

"I can't believe it. Why would you be with someone like him? How could you do this to me?" Usagi shook as the pain crept in and settled heavily on him. He couldn't believe this was true.

"Do this to you? You broke up with me, remember?"

"I forbid you to see him!" Usagi said, banging his fist on the counter.

Misaki scoffed. "You forbid me? You have no right to tell me who I can and cannot see!" He wasn't angry. Not at all, but he couldn't see any other way to get Usagi to back down.

"No. Please don't date him. Anyone but him." He couldn't handle it. Knowing his brother could at any point in time lay his hands on Misaki? And their father wouldn't approve.

"You have no right." Misaki grew still now. He was starting to feel some anger, but it wasn't because Usagi didn't want him seeing Haruhiko. He didn't want to be seeing him. No, it was the fact that Usagi felt like he had the right to ask him not to see Haruhiko. "You broke my heart, Usagi. You have no right to choose who I decide can help me put it back together."

"He's using you!" Usagi shouted as Misaki's statement cut into him like a knife. He followed as Misaki stormed toward the front door. "Where are you going?"

"To find a place to live. I assume last night's offer no longer stands?"

Misaki had the door open slightly before Usagi had it closed again. He had each hand on the door on both sides of Misaki, blocking him in. Misaki waited for the fear to kick in, but while he felt a little uneasy, fear never came.

"Don't go." Usagi nearly whispered the words as his thoughts went a mile a minute. He couldn't let Misaki walk out that door. He didn't understand why Misaki was with Haruhiko, but he would let it go for the moment if it meant Misaki would stay.

"I don't think I should stay." Why was he suddenly so calm?

"Misaki." Usagi closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead to Misaki's. He heard that little gasp Misaki had always made when he made advances. That erotic sound that also managed to be cute made him want to take Misaki right here and now.

"Usagi." Misaki closed his eyes too. His heart pounded as he waited to see what Usagi was going to do. He was conflicted. Part of him didn't want Usagi to be this close. However, there was another part of him that wanted him closer. He wanted Usagi's lips on his own and those large hands touching him.

Usagi pulled away, though it was not easy. "Please, stay. At least until you find a new place. Besides, you're still sick. You have a fever."

Misaki wasn't surprised to he was feverish. He'd felt warm as he was trying to eat, though he'd thought it was Usagi's angry gaze that had him feeling flushed. "I'll think about it."

Usagi released the breath he was holding when Misaki replied. "Good." He said, going over to where the fever reducer was. "Take these."

"I won't answer any questions you might have about us," Misaki said as Usagi headed for the stairs. "Can you agree not to ask?"

Usagi's stomach clenched as he thought about the two of them together. "I won't ask." He agreed because he didn't want Misaki to leave. But he wasn't stepping down easy. He wouldn't let this happen. No way was he losing the love of his like to that asshole. No freaking way!

* * *

Usagi woke the day to the smells of breakfast cooking. When he saw Misaki in the kitchen, he smiled gently. It made him extremely happy to see him there. Not only because he looked like he was feeling better, but because he'd missed seeing Misaki in the kitchen. Hell, he missed seeing him all over the house.

"Good morning," he said, sitting down at the table. He was determined not to think about Harihiko and Misaki.

Misaki snorted. "It's three in the afternoon."

Usagi glanced at the clock, then shrugged. "You're making breakfast food. We can pretend it's morning."

Misaki walked over to him with the coffee. "I just got up myself about an hour ago. I feel partially human today."

"I can see that. Some of your color has returned. But after you're finished, I want you to rest. No jumping back into life."

"It can't be avoided much longer. I need to get back to work. Masamune said I can work from home for a few days starting tomorrow."

Usagi didn't like that, but he held his tongue. Misaki had a good work ethic and couldn't deny the pride he felt for him. "Still, try not to overdo it."

"Sure," he replied before heading back to the food.

Over "breakfast" the talked about mindless things before getting into the manga topic. Usagi was happy with the way things were going, and Misaki was delighted to be apart of it. He couldn't wait to start working on his favorite storyline, and he told Usagi as much.

"The second book being made into manga hasn't been approved yet," he reminded Misaki.

"You don't think you're going to approve it?"

"We haven't talked about it yet. Assuming the manga sells well, and the author wanted to continue with the next book. The first book alone will be about four or five volumes."

"True." He shrugged. "Well if it ever comes to it, I'll be excited."

"Then I hope it does come to it."

Misaki blushed because Usagi was looking at him like he was ready to ravish him. Did this mean he was no longer angry about the Haruhiko thing? That whole conversation kept playing in his mind. He wanted to tell Usagi the truth because this lie was eating at him.

"So, on to more important things. Do you agree to stay here until you find your own place?"

Misaki sighed some. He had thought about this off and on since the day before. He wanted to tell him no. That he'd be fine, but really, besides rooming with his brother and their ever-growing family, where else did he have to go? And he knew he liked living with Usagi, so he wouldn't have to stress over living with a roommate he didn't like.

He supposed he could go to that apartment, but he didn't want to. Really really didn't want too. If he did, he felt like he'd be stuck with Haruhiko forever and he didn't want to be. These five months honestly couldn't pass fast enough.

"I think I might like to. If that's truly okay."

"It's perfectly fine by me." Yes, he was jumping with joy on the inside. "Okay. Now that, that is settled, where are your things?"

Misaki looked over at the bag he'd been lugging everywhere. "I packed up my books and I'm storing them at Takahiro's. But besides those, everything else is in that bag." He was embarrassed to admit that to Usagi.

Usagi said nothing, though he felt a little irked. Misaki left this apartment with a hell of a lot more than a duffle bag full of stuff. But that was okay. He would be back under this roof and Usagi would slowly make sure he got stuff before leaving again. Assuming he couldn't convince him to stay.

"Don't be embarrassed," he said, knowing that expression. "You're not measured by what you have. Not by me anyway."

"Thanks," Misaki replied. Really, that meant a lot.

…..

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is a heavy one. Attempted suicide. Viewer discretion is advised.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**…**

"Yes, and thank you for your quickness. Yeah, I feel great. No, I'm ready to be back, don't worry. Yes. Just make sure to have the layout done by Friday. Yeah, we don't want that." Misaki chuckled. "Okay. Yep. Alright. You too. Bye."

He hung up and sank down into the couch. It was his first day "back" and even though he'd hardly left this couch, he was exhausted. Still, he felt better now that he got caught up on some of his work. He was still very behind, but a little progress was better than none.

He glanced at the clock. Usagi said he'd be home around eight, and he was annoyed at himself that he'd been counting down the hours to his return. He hated to admit the calm he felt when Usagi was home.

After they fight about Haruhiko, Misaki thought for sure things would be really awkward between them, but things were as smooth as ever. It was as if Usagi was pretending it wasn't happening. Which he probably was.

Misaki closed his eyes a moment. He just needed to rest them before making his next call. Soon Usagi would be home and he was hoping he wouldn't mind take out because he was far too tired to cook.

* * *

He cried as he was forced to his knees. His side screamed where the knife stabbed into him and as he was violently violated, he felt like he might vomit. He heard himself beg the guy to stop. The pain was enough to make him feel like he might blackout, but he wouldn't stop. He just kept going until he grunted, jerking his hips hard, making Misaki cry out once more.

"Misaki, wake up. Wake up."

The voice of an angel shifted the dream, making the horrific staircase shimmer away. He jerked awake but settled when his eyes landed on a concerned Usagi.

"Shit," he said as he sat up, way to fast. His head spun slightly as he eyed the clock. It was nine! "I didn't finish making my calls."

"I think you're done for the day," Usagi said, easing Misaki back. "You told me you wouldn't overdo it."

Too tired to argue, he sat back some. "I didn't make dinner."

"I didn't expect you to. I brought home food."

"You're a mind reader," Misaki said as he eyed the bag. Usagi picked up food from his favorite little dinner that was just fifteen minutes walking distance from here. It was his go-to when he'd lived here before.

"I just know you. Are you okay?" He'd heard Misaki whimper in his sleep and that sound was gut-wrenching.

"Yeah. Just still not one hundred percent." They both knew that he wasn't referring to his health, but Usagi let it slide.

"Hey, so this weekend I have a party thing in Kyoto. I'm hoping you'll come with me? You don't have to go to the party if you're still feeling icky, but the inn I booked is a really nice one."

"Usagi, I know I agreed to stay here, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea."

That hurt, but he brushed it aside. "I know where we stand but I want to make myself clear, just because we aren't dating, doesn't mean I don't care for you, nor does it mean I don't want to spend time with you. I like your company, and I don't want you to sit at home all the time. It's not good for you."

Misaki nodded. He wanted so badly to kiss Usagi at this moment. He was always so hot when he got all serious. That thought made him blush, so he avoided Usagi's gaze. "Yeah. Okay."

Usagi has to adjust himself. Misaki had to stop looking so damn cute or he was going to get a serious case of blue balls. "Good. We will be leaving here Thursday night."

Misaki didn't miss the bulge in Usagi's pants as he stood to go to the table. His own body responded and he felt a familiar lust take over him. He cleared his throat as he watched Usagi put food in his mouth. He knew was it felt like to have those lips around him and god did that imagine make him hard as a rock.

Quickly, he joined Usagi at the table, and together they enjoyed a great meal with a cloud of lust so thick you could cut it with a knife looming between.

* * *

Misaki tried to ignore the conversation happening behind him. He was at lunch with friends from work, though he wasn't eating really. He had a hard time deciding if it was due to still feeling off or the conversation he was overhearing.

Apparently, person A's brother came out, and he is utterly grossed out by it. Person B cackled as they made some gay joke that really wasn't even funny, but it sent them both into a fit of laughter. Their entertainment at the expense of the brother continued and now they were talking about ways to make him straight.

Would his own brother react this way? Misaki was ashamed to be like he was, so he never imagined ever actually coming out to anyone, but the idea that Takahiro might react like those two were made him feel sick

Was there anything about him that wasn't shameful? He was dating a guy he hated, living with the guy and can't admit he loves, lying about who he was to everyone, hiding the fact that he was raped, and the little fact that his body reacted to it. Surely he was right in thinking it was punishment.

He felt himself sink deeper into the ever-growing darkness that had him. He wanted to move forward. To stop looking at the past, but he couldn't seem to do it. The past had its claws in him, and the future was too blurry to give him any hope that it would be any better.

He looked down at his phone when it chimed. Haruhiko made plans for tonight. He closed his eyes as the urge to cry hit him. He didn't want to show such sappy emotion in the current company.

After sending Haruhiko a quick reply, he messaged Usagi, letting him know he would be home late. He wasn't sure why he said anything at all, but for some odd reason, he felt better when Usagi knew he was with Haruhiko. Not to hurt him, but because then at least if something happened Usagi had a starting point.

"Misaki?"

Misaki looked up at his coworkers. "Hmm?"

"We are heading back. You staying a little longer?"

"Oh. No, I'll go." He gathered his things, after putting his share of the money in the table.

He hated the eyes that were on him as they headed back. It felt like they knew something and he wasn't sure what. That made him feel exposed, and the idea that any of them even had a clue about what was going on made him want to die.

* * *

Usagi stood outside, looking over the city from the balcony. He had lit a cigarette, but so far hadn't taken a puff. He was too busy wondering what Misaki and Haruhiko might be doing.

It made his stomach hurt. He couldn't stand the idea of them together, and yet he couldn't bring himself to put an end to it either. He didn't want to drag Misaki into the family drama.

But wasn't Haruhiko already doing it? Surly once their father finds out what's happening, he would make the same threat. Unlike him, he wasn't sure Haruhiko would care. He cares first and foremost about himself above all.

It wouldn't matter to him what happened to Misaki it only mattered to him that he got what he wanted in the end.

Usagi couldn't make that same choice. His father had threatened Misaki's career. He said he'd make sure Misaki would never find the work he wanted, and the bastard was powerful enough to do so.

Then he took it one step further and showed him the picture he'd had photoshopped. It was of Usagi and Misaki in compromising positions. If Misaki losing his career wasn't enough he would leak the pictures. Then they'd both be ruined. He admitted that Usagi could come back from it, but imagine what it would do to Misaki?

No. That wasn't something he'd risk. Misaki was always so embarrassed about his sexual preference. He wouldn't survive that kind of information being released to the public. Not to mention due to his ties to a famous person? The press would be all over it.

For a moment he entertained the idea of talking with Haruhiko. Tell him what their father threatened and even go so low as to beg him to think of what it might do to Misaki. However, his efforts would be in vain.

Usagi looked at his watch and nearly wanted to scream. It was almost midnight, and Misaki wasn't home yet. Would he end up staying the night there? Were they?

He shook his head, not allowing that thought to settle because it made his blood boil. Thinking about that heartless man touching someone as sweet and good as Misaki? Touching what he felt was his?

"Usagi?" Misaki called out.

Usagi would never say out loud the joy hearing his voice brought. The relief of knowing that at least for the moment, Haruhiko wasn't with him, touching him. That comfort of knowing the one he loved was home, safe for the night.

"Out here," he called back.

"Did you eat? I have food," Misaki said, holding up a bag. "I didn't really eat anything over dinner."

"Why's that?"

Misaki put on the best smile he could. The truth was, he didn't like eating with Haruhiko. "I just wasn't hungry."

"And now? Dinner was hours ago."

"I'll eat if you help me. There's a lot of food here." Did that sound as stupid to Usagi as it did to him? Maybe it was, but he wanted to eat with Usagi.

"Yeah. I'll eat with you." He followed Misaki in, not missing the fact that he looked really down. What had happened?

"Hey, you okay?"Misaki gave him a fake smile as he nodded. Not buying it, he went to him and made him look at him. He was too close, but couldn't make himself move. "You lie."

Misaki pushed him away, though there was no anger behind it. "I'm just having a bad night. Haruhiko can really be pushy." Wait, he hadn't meant to say that.

"What did he do?" He couldn't keep the anger from his tone. "Did he hurt you? Force you to do anything?"

"No. Don't worry it's nothing of importance. Just…I can't go to your party this weekend. He booked us time away." He didn't want to go. Really he didn't.

Usagi's heart sank some. He was looking forward to having Misaki all to himself in a place where he could really relax. "That's okay. Don't worry about it." His response seemed to ease some of the tension coming off him.

"Really, are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's not ideal, but it's not something you need to stress over."

"Okay. Good. Let's eat."

* * *

He was piss drunk as Takeo helped him into his house. He wasn't worried that Misaki would be home because he messaged him earlier informing him he had a date and would be home late. The idea of Misaki being with Haruhiko angered him to the point of madness.

So when Takeo offered him out to drinks, he went intending to get drunk. Mission accomplished. As they got in, both giggled like school girls trying to remove their shoes. The problem with alcohol is it always made him horny, so he was drunk, horny, and pissed.

So he let Takeo kiss him as they both undressed, leaving a clothes trail to the couch. They both laughed as he hit the side of the couch, tripping him and both of them falling onto it in one tangled heap.

"I didn't think you'd invite me back," Takeo said between kisses placed on Unami's neck. He was so glad that he did though. That first night with him had been amazing.

Usami said nothing as his thoughts shifted to Misaki. He was doing this as payback. He knew that and knew when he was no longer drunk and sexed-up, he would regret it. But right now, it felt too good to stop. Besides, how did he know Misaki wasn't doing the same thing?

No, he wouldn't think about that, not now. No, now he could pretend Misaki was here. It wasn't Takeo's lips on his skin, it as Misaki's. It wasn't Takeo's hands touching him, it was Misaki's. "Oh god," he moaned as Takeo mouth found his cock. Yes. More. Please more, Misaki.

* * *

He wasn't sure what he was thinking when he agreed to go on a date with Aki, but it was too late to back out now. He was still feeling a bit off, but he'd been fever free for two days now.

He'd even told her he was still getting over the flu, but she insisted. So he agreed. Why not? He was already dating Haruhiko when he didn't want to be, so why not date her? It was only dinner after all.

Besides, she was nice and easy to talk to. Dinner was pleasant and she talked about her family and her sister. Things got a little sad when she brought up her older sister and how she passed a few years back.

He told her about his parents, but he didn't say much on the subject. It was a painful memory, and the fact that he still felt like his own fault didn't help. He didn't tell her that part. It was just too hard to admit.

"You want to come back to my place?"

Misaki stood there a moment, thinking it through. She seemed so sweet and innocent, and he bet that bashful look brought men to their knees. Should he be turned on now? If he were normal, would he want her?

On a whim, he agreed to it. Screw it. He might as well have sex with a woman. He felt a little reckless as he followed her into her house, but that was his mood he guessed. Reckless was better then all the other shit he'd been feeling.

He was nervous, unsure how he would proceed. Usagi usually took control. He wished he had the confidence to take control, but he really loved it when Usagi was in control, so it worked out for them both.

However, Aki was happy to take control of the situation. They made out for a while, and now she straddled his lap, smiling before taking his lips with hers again.

He found kissing her pleasant. Her lip gloss was flavored. Watermelon he believed. Usagi's kiss was preferable. It always stirred something inside of him, intoxicating him with erotic pleasure.

She was soft. As his hands rested on her sides, he couldn't help but appreciate how soft she was. Her kiss was soft too. She had a delicacy about her. She was soft, warm and she moved her hips in a sexy way, so then why did she do nothing for him?

He wasn't dumb and knew where she wanted this to go, and in his slightly drunken state, he wanted that too, but his cock stayed soft. He tried. Really he wanted too. But…Nothing.

"Is something the matter?" She asked when he stopped kissing her. She reached for him, lush in her eyes, but he stopped her.

"Nothing with you. I'm just still feeling I'll."

She looked put out but smiled. "That's okay. Would you like to watch a movie? Or sit by the fire and talk a while?"

"No, I best get going." Misaki stood, hating himself. Why couldn't he get it up? What was broken inside him that this beautiful woman before him did nothing for him? She was so soft and lean. Her breast were of decent size, and her lips would likely make most men crumble to their knees. And here he was, limp.

"Okay," she replied. He could tell that she was down, but she stayed pleasant as they exchanged goodbyes.

* * *

He was sickened with himself as he walked home, his heart full of turmoil. He was gay. The truth he'd been trying so hard not to look too closely at was there. Right in front of his face to the point where he couldn't ignore it anymore. Aki did nothing for him.

He could appreciate her beauty, sure. She was beautiful and he knew that a straight man would look twice as she walked by, but if he looked twice it wouldn't be because he was sexually attracted to her. He mused as he walked, thinking back to his teenhood. Had a woman ever turned him on?

He couldn't think of one time when one had. He couldn't recall ever masturbating to a woman either. He didn't do it to men, but at the time, he didn't think he'd think too. Until Usagi, he had assumed he was straight and just hadn't found the right woman yet.

He didn't want to be gay. It was a sin, wasn't it? Looked down upon. Got you laughed at and bullied. People didn't like anything that went against the status quo.

He felt the shame spread as he thought about all this. He was being punished. That's why he was raped. He was shameful. He hated it. Hated himself. He hated that he wanted nothing more than for Usagi to touch him. He hated how safe he felt in Usagi's house. Hated that when he was with Usagi, being gay didn't seem so bad.

The fact that Usagi was at home was the only thing moving him forward at this point. Anytime they were together the darkness that seemed to be creeping in was pushed back, and some sunshine was able to warm him. Even if it was for just that moment, he would take it.

Just now he felt like an addict jonesing for his next hit. He needed some of the warmth Usagi offered. Needed to feel like he could breathe, even if it was for just a short while.

He practically ran into the apartment. It was a silly feeling, but he had to… His brows pulled together as he looked down at the clothes on the floor. Already knowing what he would find at the end of that trail, he followed it, heart sinking. He found them on the couch, Takeo's mouth on Usagi's cock.

He'd meant to leave silently, but he knocked into the lamp, sending it crashing. He shook as he stood there, both eyes on him. "Sorry, I was just leaving." He bolted, not wanting Usagi to see his tears.

* * *

He was numb as he stood at the gates of Haruhiko's mansion. It was like he could no longer feel his body, and it was on autopilot. Soon, he found himself in the house and in Haruhiko's room. He heard him ask what was wrong, but he couldn't seem to respond.

Why was he even here? He didn't want to be. He didn't want to be with Haruhiko, but somehow, he had ended up here.

"Come here," Haruhiko said, pulling Miski to him. "I've got you. Whatever it is, I'm here."

At some point, Haruhiko started to kiss him, and he didn't resist. He didn't care to. So what if Haruhiko hissed him? What did it really matter? So, he kissed him back.

"I want you," Haruhiko said after a while. His hands were already unbuttoning Misaki's pants as he spoke, "Please, let me have you."

Misaki once again said nothing, and when Haruhiko kissed him again, he kissed him back. He couldn't help but compare him to Usagi. Usagi's kisses were nicer. His lips fuller. Not to mention, the pacing of the kiss was better.

Haruhiko moaned some as he grabbed Misaki's cock. "You're already hard for me," he whispered, his tone lustful.

Misaki froze. He was hard. He was turned on by Haruhiko. He couldn't stop the tears that blurred his vision. What was broken in him that Haruhiko turned him on? No. No No No No!

"No!" he cried out as he struggled out of Haruhiko's lap. He grabbed his fallen pants and quickly redid them.

"Misaki!" Haruhiko called after him. He hadn't meant to make him afraid. He wasn't trying to force him. Damn, he'd gone too far.

* * *

"Have you heard from Misaki?" Usagi asked the second Takahiro had opened the door. It was now five in the afternoon on the following day and he was starting to panic.

"No, I thought he was staying with you? Have you not seen him?"

"Not since last night, and he was not doing great when he left."

"Did you guys get into a fight?" Takahiro asked as they sat.

How the hell could he answer that? No, we didn't fight, but he did walk in on me getting a blowjob, and it broke his heart. That look on Misaki's face. How could he ever forget that look? That shocked, heartbroken expression? He'd tried to follow after Misaki right away, but Takeo wouldn't let him. They ended up fighting, and Takeo left unhappy.

He hit up Haruhiko first and was informed that he missed him by minutes. After trying once again to reach his cell, he tried his job, the building was locked, so if he was in there he wouldn't know. He went home, waiting up for him, but he never showed. By eight in the morning, he was back at Marukawa books, but Misaki never showed for work. That's when fear set in.

"I'm worried Takahiro. Misaki…He hasn't been doing great mentally."

Takahiro gave him a bewildered expression. "What do you mean?"

"He went through something. I can't say what, it's not my place, but it's put him in a bad place. And I…"What had he done? How dumb could he be? He should have known Misaki seeing that would have hurt him. It's just, at that moment, he was hurting too and he didn't care. What was wrong with him.

"Usagi?"

He stood. "I have to find him. I'll fo back to his job and see if he showed up."

"Wait, what are you thinking he would do? Do you think he would hurt himself?" That made him worry. How had he not realized his own brother was hurting?

"I really hope not."

* * *

He couldn't do it anymore. He sat, looking out over the water. As he wondered after leaving Haruhiko, he thought of the last time he was happy, and it was here. Usagi had taken him here on vacation, and they sat here looking over the water below. People often cliffed dived here, something he wouldn't consider because the waves below were rough, and while he could swim, he wasn't a strong swimmer.

However, as the sun faded into the horizon, and the water darkened, it somehow seemed to beckon him. The darkness of the water matched the darkness he felt inside. He couldn't escape it anymore. The thoughts, the pain. He wanted it to stop. He wanted it all to stop.

Between the nightmares and Haruhiko? The struggle of knowing he liked guys and hating it. Why? Why couldn't he just be normal? Why couldn't he just be happy? Why did he have to be this broken person who is forever stuck in darkness?

How could he go on like this? Sometimes it was hard just to breathe. And the nightmares? They never stopped. They were never going to stop. Haruhiko was never going to stop. Even when that five-month timeline was up, he wouldn't stop. And Usagi, his last spark of light was now a sharp shard of glass.

He sat here all day, trying to stitch himself back together, but he was still mangled. He couldn't seem to put the pieces back. They were too small and sharp. He hurt too bad. He felt shattered and was tired. So tired. Every day he fought to stay above the water, but he was so tired. So damn tired of pretending to be stronger then he felt.

The scenery around him seemed to fade away more and more as he sat here. At first, it was just the noises around him. They started dimming more and more until he heard nothing. The color seemed to come next. It was like he could see the color, but it was dull and it continued to drain away until it was gone. His body felt disconnected from his surroundings. Like he was there, but he wasn't.

Soon, the only two things he knew for sure was that the dark water beckoned him, and he wanted to go to it. He'd been fighting the urge, he wasn't sure for how long, but suddenly, he didn't know why he should fight it. What was left here? All he had was pain and suffering.

He was so alone. So alone even in a room full of people. Even when he was with people he trusted he felt afraid. He would never be able to have sex again. He couldn't without finding himself back in the stairwell. He was alone and cold and so tired.

He shook as he stood, but it wasn't out of fear. It was relief. Every step closer to the edge felt oddly reassuring. It was all going to be okay. He wouldn't be alone much longer. He would no longer be haunted. He would no longer have to hide the fact that he was desperately in love with his brother's best friend. He would no longer feel ashamed. He was going to be free.

Never again would he find himself on that stairwell, so scared he could scarcely move. The mixture of piss and beer would never be recalled again. Soon, he would never remember again what it was like to be raped and stabbed, then being left for dead.

He paused at the edge, looking down. In the dark of night, he couldn't see the bottom, but he knew that was the way out. That was the way to stop it all. He smiled as he threw himself off the cliff. His last thought was he was so happy to end it, but then why did he scream?

* * *

"He never showed. We've been trying to call him all day. It's not like him," Masamune said, worry in his eyes.

"Shit. I don't know where else to look!" He banged his fist on the desk nearest him. "Miski."

"Have you tried tracking his phone?" Ritsu asked from behind him.

"What?"

"He has an iPhone provided by the company. We need good phones to stay connected. Anyway, there are trackers on them. If it's on, there's a good chance you can track his phone."

They all gathered around Ritsu as he worked magic on the computer. Within ten minutes Usagi knew where Misaki was and he felt so relieved he grabbed Ritsu's face and planted a kiss on his lips. "I owe you one, kid!" he called as he ran from the room.

Misaki was at the cliffs. He'd taken him there not long before they broke things off. Why was he there? He had to shake his head as fear settled in. No. No, he wouldn't. Would he? Oh please. Please no.

"Wait for me, Misaki!" he said to no one. That was it. He swore that things would change here and now. He was an idiot to allow things to stay off between them. He would explain himself. Explain why he broke things off, and beg him to come back to him because he couldn't take it anymore.

He was out the door the moment his car was off. He knew the general location, but now he had to find Misaki and there was just a hint of sunlight left.

He ran full out. He wanted to call out to him, but he was afraid if he did, Misaki would run from him, and he didn't want that. Please don't do anything stupid, he begged in his head.

Ten minutes of searching and he still couldn't find him. He shook from fear, anxiety numbing his hands. Or maybe that was the lack of oxygen as he exerted himself. He was never much of a runner. He gave himself a moment to catch his breath before starting off again.

He turned the corner and stopped dead. Misaki was on the edge of the cliff looking over the water. People jumped there, but those people were serious adrenalin junkies and were good swimmers. "Misaki!" he cried as he ran forward. Shit, he was still too far away!

"Misaki!" he cried again as he ran for him. "Misaki!"

"Nooooooooo!" he screamed as Misaki flung himself from the cliff. He thought nothing of it as he reached the edge and dived in after him.

…

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**….**

You know how in movies, something tragic happens? There's this montage of moments, with sad music in the background. Each scene depicts a moment of importance. Like the cars colliding. Then the ambulance shows. Then it shows someone crying and falling to the ground. Each moment painful and out for the world to see.

That's kind of how this felt. Usami dived in after him, adrenaline driving him forward. For god only knows how long, Usagi searched the water for him, and for a moment, he didn't think he'd find him, but luck was on his side. He'd found him and somehow managed to get them both out of the water.

"Misaki!" Usami cried as he tried to wake him. He started CPR, though really it was all in theory. He'd never taken lessons or anything. He couldn't even call for help because the water damaged his phone. Shit! No, He can't die!

"Please. Please. please." He felt the panic try to take hold, clouding his mind. He Cant die! He can't die!

To his astonishment, an ambulance arrived, taking over. He set back, his mind doing the flash thing as he thought over the last ten minutes. Misaki jumping from that cliff. Him following down. Getting both of them to the surface and fear numbing him as he carried a limp Misaki out of the water. Trying to revive him.

He felt disconnected to himself as they fought to bring Misaki back. Although dark, he saw them eyeing each other as if to say Misaki was a goner. "Please safe him!" He begged. "Please."

"We will do everything we can," One of them said.

After an agonizing two minutes that felt more like two hours, Misaki coughed up water and took a breath.

Usami let out the breath he'd been holding. Relief spread through him making him nearly breathless. He went to Misaki, taking his face in his hands. "I'm here," he said to a confused Misaki.

"Sir."

"Just a moment." He looked back to Misaki who's eyes finally focused on him.

"Usagi? Am I in heaven?"

"No silly, man. You're alive, and I'm here. You hear me? I'm here."

After that, they insisted on getting him to the hospital. Usami couldn't really argue that.

He's alive. Oh, thank god he's alive.

* * *

Takahiro saw Misaki Jump. He heard Usagi's cries and watched as his best friend went in after his baby brother.

Usagi had called him on the way here to tell him his phone was tracked to this park and he was going to look for him. Knowing how large the park was, he decided to follow, and help.

Without hesitation, he called the cops to report the incident. He had to trust Usagi would find him and it was up to him for help to arrive.

By the time he got down to where the two would come out, they were all gone. He called the hospitals until he found the one Misaki would be taken to, the drive to it like he was filming a fast and furious film.

He ran in, feeling like it was taking too long. Way too long to find where Misaki ended up. Finally, he saw Usagi, sitting in a chair, his face in his hands.

Takahiro's heart dropped. Oh god. Please let Misaki be okay! "Usagi!" He called as he went to him.

"Takahiro."

He'd said his name softly. Almost as if he was in a dream state. "Usagi? Is Misaki?" His throat felt tight as he spoke, and when Usagi's red tearful eyes met his own, he thought he'd be sick.

"He's okay," Usagi replied. "He's…okay."

Takahiro fell to his knees in relief. "Oh thank god! I thought. With the way you were acting." He looked his best friend in the eyes now, having to look up because he was on his knees, and was slightly confused.

It wasn't that he felt Usagi shouldn't care for Misaki. He'd known for a while that Usagi saw Misaki as a brother. He was fiercely protective and he wasn't going to complain. The more people who had Misaki's back, the better. But in all the years he'd known Usagi, he'd never once saw him cry.

"Usagi…"

"Takahiro!" Manami called as she ran to them. "Misaki? Is he okay?" She looked down at a grief-stricken Usagi, and her heart fell.

"He's okay," Takahiro replied, giving her a weak smile. "You didn't have to come."

"Of course I did!" She hugged Takahiro as he rose. "I was so worried. I left Mahiro at the sitters, and rushed over."

She glanced at Usagi again. He was crying. He looked as if it was his lover back there and not… She felt a little whiplash as it all came together. How Usagi reacted over Misaki's marriage. The way the two acted with each other. She'd just thought they were really close. She nearly laughed because she felt so silly for not realizing it before. It was all right there. Right in front of them.

"Well, I guess all we can do now is wait," Takahiro said as he sat. He took Manami's hand when she sat next to him. Please let his brother be okay.

* * *

Misaki cried out. He was disoriented and didn't understand who all these people were. Why were they touching him? He knew they were speaking, but he couldn't seem to make out their words.

"Usagi! Usagi!" he cried as fear overwhelmed him. "I want Usagi! Please, where is he? Please."

"Misaki. It's okay. You're okay."

The voice was soothing, and he looked for it. His eyes settled on a woman with kind eyes. "I want Usagi." At this moment he didn't care if he sounded like a child. He was confused and scared and wanted Usagi.

"You are in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?"

"I want," He started to say again but the memories started to come back. The last two days of his life crashed into him like a freight train. What had he done? What had he tried to do?

"I..Oh god." He remembered going over the cliff and he'd thought he had screamed, but it wasn't him who had been screaming, it was Usagi. "Where is he? Is he okay?" He tried to get up but was stopped.

"Let go!" he yelled as he tried to fight the nurses off. "I need him! I need to know that he's okay! Usagi! Usagi!" He turned when he felt a prick, then his limbs started numbing, making him sink back into the bed.

"Usagi," he said as he cried. "I want Usagi."

"He's in shock," Aria said to the nurse. Let him rest. I'll go update the family."

"Please, Is he okay? Misaki asked groggily."

Aria walked over to him with a smile. "Yes, Usagi is just fine." She'd tried telling him this as he fought, but this time he must have heard her because he closed his eyes and stopped fighting the sedative.

* * *

"Usagi," Aria said, pausing when she saw Takahiro. "Hey, stranger!" She added, but couldn't bring herself to smile. She was smart enough to figure out Takahiro and Misaki were related. She'd wondered when she saw the last name.

"Aria?" Takahiro replied, confused. "I. What are you doing here?"

"Usagi called me. I'm a psychiatrist. He told me what happened with Misaki, and asked me to be his counselor."

Usagi stood now, looking earnest. "Is he going to be okay? Did he talk? Can we see him?"

Takahiro looked at his friend feeling like those should have been his lines.

"He's in shock. You two have ten minutes, but after that, you need to go home and let him rest. I'll be keeping him here for observation. He will likely be sleeping. We had to sedate him."

"When it's time for him to leave, will I be called?" Takahiro asked. He watched as she glanced at Usagi.

"You are his next of kin, so, yes you'll be called. Takahiro, understand that Misaki is in bad shape. He will need support and care. Emotionally. I can give you a better idea of what we are looking at when I get more time with him."

Takahiro took Manami in his arms. He just needed to hold her. "Okay. Thank you."

She nodded as she put her hand on Usagi's shoulder. "I want you in my office at eight tomorrow morning. And no arguments!" She added sharply as he went to argue. "It will be worth it."

"Okay," he replied, not meeting her eyes.

"Go see him before you leave. You need it."

* * *

They did as told. Misaki was asleep, looking so small in the bed. It made Usagi die a little. How could he not have seen things got this bad? How had he not known?

Maybe he shouldn't have, since Takahiro was here, but he took

Misaki's hand as he sat. There was so much he wanted to say, and yet he knew he wouldn't be able to say anything even if Takahiro wasn't here. His thoughts were jumbled up and incoherent.

"I feel like a horrible brother. I didn't know he was suffering. I don't even know what he's suffering from."

Usagi knew. He knew he was suffering. He knew the why of it too, but he hadn't seen this coming. He knew Misaki was sad, but he didn't realize he was this sad. This lost. Not until the very end. Not until he saw that dead expression in his eyes as he left the apartment.

Acid burned in his throat. Was it catching him with Mateo that did it? Was that scene the last straw for him? Had his little act of revenge nearly cost him the love of his life?

He was a fool. So god damn foolish for acting like a child. For acting on emotions without thinking of what it would really do. He'd been so blind by his own hurt he didn't realize. He just. God he just didn't realize.

"I'm so sorry," Usagi said as he stood. He had to get out of here. Had to get away.

He was vaguely aware that Takahiro called after him, but he didn't care. Couldn't care at that moment. He was on autopilot. Like he was

on the outside looking in, and had no control over his movements.

He wasn't sure when he realized he was on his way to the mansion, but soon enough he was pulling through the gates. When he was here earlier, Haruhiko had said he'd upset Misaki, and he was going to find out what he did. That fucker.

He didn't even bother knocking. He walked right in, and luck being on his side, Haruhiko was right there, getting ready to leave.

"Akihiko, wh-"

Usagi had hold of his brother's shirt and against the wall in a moment. "What did you do to him!" He shouted. He was shaking with rage.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Misaki! What did you do to upset him?"

"I got a little carried away. That's all. He panicked and left."

Fury nearly made him dizzy as his fist found Haruhikos face. "You stupid son of a bitch! You have no idea what you did to him. He's been through trauma and you reminded him of that!"

Haruhiko fought back. For a moment, he had the upper hand, giving Usagi the same rough treatment. He tripped, causing them both to go down. Unfortunately, this gave Usagi the upper hand again.

Usagi punched him once more. "You stay the hell away from him! Misaki is mine, and if I find out you're bothering him again, I'll take you down."

"If you wanted him, then why did you let him go?"

"To protect him!" He lost some of his steam now. He'd let him walk out of his life to protect him, but all Misaki's grief stemmed from that act. Was all this on him?

He shifted, getting to his feet. He felt despair as he realized he was at fault. That's why he was so angry. He was to blame, and he didn't know what to do with the guilt he felt.

"Stay away from him. I swear I won't hold back if you don't."

"And if he wants me?" Haruhiko countered, whipping the blood off his lip.

The thought broke him. Did Misaki want him? He still didn't understand why they were together in the first place. "If he wants you, I will not stop him, but I'm not giving him up without a fight."

* * *

"What happened to you?" Aria asked as Usagi walked into her office. He was a little early, but seeing how her morning was free, it was no matter.

"I'm to blame. All of this, Misaki's misery. His trauma. It's. It's all my fault." He fell to his knees as it ate at him. How could he had not seen? How had he let this happen?

"Oh?" She asked, keeping her tone professional though she hurt for him. It looked like he'd been tortured with this line of thinking all night. "Why do you say that?"

"It was my fault we broke up! It was my fault he moved away! If I hadn't pushed him away. God if I had just been honest. If I hadn't tried protecting him."

"Come sit," she said, going over to her teapot. She was a strong believer in the power of herbal teas. "Now," she added when Usami didn't move. Normally she wouldn't be so forceful, but Usami was not a normal client.

By the time the tea was ready, Usami had made his way to the chair. "Drink."

She sat back down, absently rubbing her belly. The baby was really active at the moment, making her a little uncomfortable.

"Why did you break up with him?" For a moment she didn't think he would answer. She expected to have to coax it out of him, but he surprised her with an answer.

"My father isn't thrilled I'm gay. He'd threaten Misaki if we continued. He said he would stop at nothing to see us apart. Misaki is ten years my junior. That age difference can be complicated at times, but it never really bothered me. Sure, there were times when his actions reminded me he was young, but even then. However, as I thought about the things my father said he'd do? Misaki seemed so young then. Far too young to deal with the threats of a family who don't always play by the book. So I broke up with him. I wanted to protect him. I…"

He buried his face in his hands. "I was just trying to protect him."

"Did you ask him to move?"

He looked up, confused. "What?"

"Misaki talked to me. I only got an overall idea of what happened, but I know enough. You broke up with him. He moved away. Did you tell him to move so far away?"

"No. I never thought he'd move so far."

"And did you ask that man to rape him?"

His brow furrowed in disgust. "What? No. Why would you…"

"Do you make any of his decisions? Do you have control over his life?"

"No."

"When you broke up with him, did you know what all would follow? Are you a fortune-teller?"

"No, but…"

"No, but nothing. You couldn't have known this would happen. You didn't break up with him knowing the bad things that would follow. You can't take the blame for the actions of others."

"He caught me in bed with another man! That's my fault! What if that is was drive him over!"

"Did you do it to make him commit suicide?"

"No but I. I did it because he's dating my brother, and that hurt me and part of me hoped he'd find us so he knew what I felt. But when he saw us, that expression on his face. I regretted it instantly. I'm a horrible person."

"No, you're human."

"Aria, I intentionally hurt him."

"Yes, you did. He hurt you, so you retaliated. Was it the mature thing to do? No. Was it the right thing to do? No. But those feelings that drove you to do it are human. We can't always be rational. We are flawed creatures, and we make mistakes. You couldn't have known what would happen, and you can't know that's what drove him over the edge."

Usagi winced as The imagine of Misaki jumping played through his head. "I keep seeing it. Him jumping. I keep thinking if I'd arrived just a moment later I never would have seen him jump."

"But you did see him jump. Usagi, you saved his life."

He shook his head. It was the least he could do. "How do I help him? How do I prevent this from happening again?"

She smiled gently. "Now you are focusing on the right things. As I said at the hospital, Misaki will need a lot of support. I can't tell you what he's told me in confidence, but I will do my best on getting him to open up. What I need you to do is be there when those gates open, because he's going to need you now more than ever."

"I don't know. Maybe I'm the last person he needs."

"No, Usagi. You are the most important person he needs."

"How do you know? How can you be sure?"

She thought back to when she was with Misaki. When he'd come too, he cried for Usagi. His sobs were heartbreaking, and she felt so sad that she couldn't give him what he wanted. He wasn't allowed visitors for a while, but she couldn't tell Usagi this. It wasn't her place.

"Trust me, he needs you. I think you need him too. As far as you're family goes, I think Misaki is stronger then you give him credit for. Yes, right now he's a little fragile, but there's a fire in him. We just have to help him find it, and when he does, he can handle anything your crazy family throws at him. You know why?"

Usagi shook his head.

"Because he'll have you by his side. Having the person you love by your side gives you incredible strength and will. Together, you both will be just fine."

* * *

Takahiro stood in the door to the nursery. Manami worked so hard putting it together, so he felt bad that he was going to ask if she'd be mad if they turned it back into a guest room for Misaki.

He really didn't think she'd mind, but he still felt bad. They had to do it though. Misaki was going to need a place to stay, and he couldn't turn his little brother away when he needed him the most.

With a sigh, he turned the light off and found Manami already in bed with the popcorn. Once a week they made time for movies and popcorn just them.

"We don't have to do this today if you're not up for it. I imagine there's a lot on your mind." He sat on the bed as she spoke, and she went to him, hugging him from behind.

He held the arms that were around him. He loved her so much. "I think that's the reason I need to watch a movie. I've been thinking about Misaki nonstop since yesterday. I need to distract myself."

"Whatever you want," she said as she kissed his cheek.

"The nursery. Would you be really upset if we reverted it back to a guest room for a bit? Misaki will need a place to stay."

"I wouldn't mind one bit, but he may want to stay with Usami." She knew he wouldn't understand, so his question came at no surprise.

"Why? He needs to be with his family just now."

"Yes. We do want to be with the ones we love when we are hurting. That's why I think he might want to be there."

Takahiro stood, looking at her with confusion. "Are you implying he loves Usagi more than me?" That kinda hurt.

She chuckled. "No. I'm implying that he loves Usami in a different way then he loves you."

He thought it over but didn't understand. "I don't understand."

She stood, going to him and kissing him passionately. "My darling Hiro. He loves Misaki like this." She kissed him again emphasize what she meant. She could see it the moment he understood.

It was his turn to laugh. "Are you mad, woman? There's no way they are into each other like that."

"No? Think about it. The way he was at the hospital? The way he acted over Misaki getting married?"

He was considering that now. She wasn't wrong. He too thought the way Usagi was acting in the hospital was odd. And yeah. Them liking each other like that would explain his reaction to the marriage. And why Misaki wanted to stay when he and Manami came back. Actually, so many things started to make sense.

Misaki always talked about Usagi with affection. And he'd always looked a little infatuated with Usagi. Anytime the two were over for dinner Misaki would always look at Usagi with the cutest smile. Looking back, he felt dumb for not realize. But why would he?

"My best friend and my little brother?" He felt unsettled. They were both guys for one. And for another! How could neither of them mention this to him! "My best friend. My little brother."

* * *

He was so tired. Sleep was hunted by dreams of Misaki jumping and him not being able to save him. It was a scene that played over and over again, relentlessly haunting him day and night.

He took a deep breath when his door rang, but when Takahiro announced himself, he felt less annoyed.

"Hey, Taka…Umph." He was knocked back, unprepared for Takahiro's punch. "What the hell, man!"

Takahiro grabbed Usagi's shirt, pulling him close. "Do you love him! Is it true!"

Usagi deflated some. "Who?" He asked, just to be sure they were on the same page.

"Misaki! You dim wit!"

Usagi looked him right in the eyes. "I love him very much."

His heart dropped some. Was this for real? Was this actually happening? "Romantically?"

"Yes." Shit. How had he figured it out?

Takahiro let him go, taking a few steps back. "Why? How? When? I don't…you're a guy!" Man, he was having so many emotions. So many thoughts. He felt like they all jumbled around inside of him. "I think you have a lot of explaining to do."

"Come in. This isn't going to be a short explanation."

Takahiro followed him in and sat down. Usagi told him everything. How Usagi had been in love with him, and that was the only reason he'd agreed to tutor Misaki. How Misaki cried for Usagi because of him marrying Manami, and how that made him look at Misaki different. Then he explained The While situation with his family and that was why he'd broken things off. Everything. All of it. Except whatever happened to Misaki. That was for Misaki to say.

He sat there stunned. He'd never saw. Didn't realize it. "I don't know what to think." His head was hurting from all this information.

Usagi, who had paced as he told the story, sat. "Do you hate me now?"

He laughed some. "No. I don't hate you. I'm surprised. I'm not sure how I feel about this. But I don't hate you. I don't think I ever could."

"Here," Usagi said, giving him another glass of whiskey. "What are you thinking?" He'd been quiet for some time and it was making him anxious.

"I had no idea you felt that way about me. Never once did I see." He wouldn't say it out loud, but part of him was jealous. Not that he felt the same way. He wasn't into Usagi that way. But the fact that His beat friend loved his brother more? Ugh. What a silly thing to feel.

"I knew you didn't return the feelings. So I never said anything." There wouldn't have been any point. Besides, had they ever been more than friends, he wouldn't have had Misaki, and that was unthinkable.

"He's my brother. He's ten years younger then we are. That doesn't bother you?"

"No. He's like a breath of fresh air. He makes me feel like maybe I can have some kind of normal. I love him, Takahiro. I love him so much it makes me crazy. When he was here, I had a family. I had someone to come home to. Someone to hold when I was down. Someone who loved me despite my quirks. He just accepted me for me, and I never found that before. He just." Usami laughed some. "It sounds cheesy, but he completes me."

"Does he love you?"

"I think he did two years ago. I'm not sure how he feels now. I think he does. But only he can say for sure."

Takahiro drank down the rest of his whiskey. He still was unsure how to feel. He supposed he could accept it after he had time to process it. To understand it.

"I didn't mean to hurt him. You have to believe that. He's my world, Takahiro, and I've never meant to hurt him." He hated that he teared up. He hated showing emotion in front of people and he'd shown way too much these past hours.

"I'm hurt he never told me."

"I think he's afraid of your reaction. He cares a lot about what you think."

"Yeah. I guess that's true." Besides, maybe this was the best way to find out. Had Misaki come to him without him having time to accept it, then he might not be able to react well.

"Shit, Usagi. This is a lot to get my head around."

"I know."

Takahiro stood, holding out his hand to Usagi. "I don't understand, and I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but you are my best friend and he is my little brother. If this is what will make you both happy, who am I to stand in the way?"

Usagi took his hand, and Takahiro pulled him up into a hug. "Thank you." His approval meant the world to him. More than he realized it would. "Thank you so much, Takahiro."

…..

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So sorry for the loner then usual wait. This past week we celebrated my baby sisters twenty-first birthday (she's eight years younger then me, she will always be a baby lol) and dealt the anniversary of my grandpas passing. Unfortunately, both takes place on the same day. But I had a lot of fun planning her small party and introducing her to a few drink. We had Malibu Sunsets, Grasshoppers, Butterbeer, PB&J shots and chocolate cake shots. We used small cups for the cocktails so no one got too wasted lol. Anyway, now that I've shared my life story, I hope you all enjoy the chapter!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

....

"How are you feeling today?" Aria asked. She sat across from him, her face passive and her presence oddly calming.

Misaki shrugged. "Better. Maybe."

The past four days honestly felt like some crazy dream. Like he'd been an outsider looking in and watched himself go off the deep end.

Aria shifted slightly. Misaki wasn't talking. This was their third session, and still, he only responded when asked a question and always the answers were short if at all. "I am here to help you, Misaki. However, I am only as helpful as you allow me to be."

He knew that. Today, he felt like maybe he could talk some, but it was odd talking with a stranger about such privet things.

"I don't know how to start."

"Okay. So maybe we should address the biggest thing. The rape."

He felt a wave of fear hit him, but he nodded. "What do you want to know?"

"How do you feel about it?"

He looked at her, expecting to see a pity expression, but her eyes held nothing but compassion. "I feel broken. Used. Like, how could I let this happen?"

"Did you let it happen?" She went on when he looked at her blankly. "When he approached you, did you ask for it?"

"No. I asked him to stop. Begged him not too."

"So, then you did everything you could to not let it happen. It's easy to place blame on ourselves in these kinds of situations, but the only person to blame is the rapist."

Misaki's eyes watered as the scene played in his mind. "I'm sick. He…I…I'm broken and sick."

"Why do you feel that way?"

"Because I." His throat felt like it was being squeezed, making it hard to get the words out. "Can I have that water now?" He asked referring to the water he'd refused when he arrived.

"Certainly," Aria replied as she rose. She pulled out the water, giving it to him before sitting. "Take your time."

"I liked it." He whispered a little while later.

"You liked it?" She repeated, needing him to elaborate.

"I didn't want him to do it. Really I didn't, but I got hard and I." He closed his eyes not wanting to see the disgust in hers when he said it. "I orgasmed."

"Yes. That can be traumatic as well. You didn't want it, yet you reached climax anyway. That doesn't mean you enjoyed it. Our bodies are biologically made for sex. It should come at no surprise for it to respond accordingly. It's no different than any other body function that works as intended."

"So, it's not uncommon for.."

"No. It's actually more common then one might think. There's no shame in how you responded. It's natural."

"I thought I was being punished." He spoke slowly as he processed. He wasn't out of the ordinary? It's happened to others too?"

"What on earth did you think you were being punished for?"

He was hesitant, but figured all his dirty laundry was already on the table, so why not add more? "Because I like guys."

"Why would you be punished for that?"

"It's gross. It's unnatural. It's against what should be." He looked down at his hands now. "It's just not right."

Aria closed her eyes just for a moment. This poor boy. "Homosexuality is found in nature. What can be more normal than that?"

She waited for him to look at her before continuing. "Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

Misaki thought of Usagi. Somehow it was funny using the term boyfriend when what they had seemed like so much more than that. "To a point."

"And do you find this man repulsive? Unnatural? Disgusting?"

"What? No. He's amazing. Maybe a little selfish and eccentric, but he's perfect. Why would I find.." He stopped when he understood. How could he feel these things about himself for being gay, and not apply those feelings to anyone like him?

He never felt these things towards Usagi though. Never once did he think him disgusting or unnatural. Then why did he feel this way? Why feel so much hate towards himself?

"I never thought about it like that before."

"It's easy to be hard on ourselves. Easy to forgive others for things we find hard to forgive ourselves for. Being gay might not be an easy road. There are those who are against it, but that's their problem, not yours."

"But my brother?"

"He will either accept you for who you are, or he won't. It will hurt if he can't accept you, but that's an obstacle that can be overcome. Those who truly love you will accept you no matter what."

They sat silently for a while. Technically the session was twenty minutes past appointment, but she didn't mind. It was cutting into personal time, so she didn't have to end it just yet.

"Will I ever be able to have sex again?"

"It might take some time, but when you're with someone you trust, I think you can. There are things you can do to help with the anxiety that comes with fear. However, there isn't any need to force yourself. How is self-pleasure?"

Now he blushed, looking away. She couldn't help but smile for just a moment. Sometimes he seemed older than his years, other times, he seemed younger. He reminded her of Takahiro when they were young. He too was easily flustered.

"It's not good. I get, you know, turned on. But the moment I try to do anything it goes away."

"That's where you should start then. Get comfortable with self-pleasure again. Remember, you did nothing wrong, and reaching climax is a natural biological reaction to sex. It does not mean that you enjoyed it. Also, I want you to accept who you are. That is your homework. I want you to write in a journal every day, everything and anything. But I want you to focus on acceptance and forgiveness. Accept who you are and what happened, and forgive yourself for doing what you're biologically made to do. Also, work on that self-pleasure. It's important to reconnect with your sexuality before trying to have sex again."

* * *

"How's lunch?" Takahiro asked feeling so odd. Misaki was released from the hospital today, and Manami cooked him a huge meal. He was glad to finally be able to see him, but with all his new knowledge, things felt strange.

He wanted to ask Misaki what was happening. What had made him do what he did. He wanted to ask about Usagi too. Neither of those seemed like a good idea. So instead, they ate lunch in awkward silence.

"Fine," Misaki replies after a minute. He looked up and smiled. "Thank you, Manami."

"Think nothing of it, she replied with a smile. She looked between the two of them and wanted to smack her husband. She understood he had questions, but right now they weren't important and he kept staring at Misaki as if he were an alien.

"Do you plan on staying with us?" She figured she might as well come right out and ask. "Or are you going back to Usagi's?"

"I get to make that choice?"

"Yeah of course. We have no problem with you staying here. We'd love to have you. After everything, we want to be sure that you're safe and doing well. However, if you prefer to stay with Usagi's, then we will support that too."

Misaki felt a little better after hearing that. He'd assumed he'd be forced to stay here, but he really did want to go home. He'd been going crazy not being allowed to see Usagi.

He felt sick over what he'd done, and the sounds of Usagi's screams as he jumped haunted him.

"I appreciate you offering me to stay here, but if it doesn't offend, I would really like to go to Usagi's. My stuff is there already after all.

Takahiro fought from saying what was on his mind. He just wished Misaki trusted him enough with the truth. "That's fine then. After lunch, I'll drive you over.

"I can walk."

"No, that's okay. I'd rather take you myself." He didn't trust Misaki to be on his own. Not yet. Not until he understood what was happening in his brother's head.

* * *

Usami yawned as he started down the stairs. He'd just finished his shower and he needed a quick brunch before…He stopped halfway down the stairs when he spotted Misaki.

"Misaki?" He'd been told that Misaki was released from the hospital, but he hadn't realized he'd see him today.

"I let myself in. I hope that's okay."

Usagi nearly fell to his knees. Hearing Misaki's voice was such a relief. Having him stand there, those green eyes staring up at him. Seeing him. He hadn't realized just how much he'd needed this. To see for himself that Misaki was still alive.

"It's fine." He finished his descent, stopping a few feet away from him. "Are you here to stay?" He wanted to hold him. He ached to have Misaki in his arms. To caress him, feeling him close.

"If that's still okay," Misaki replied shyly. He was afraid Usagi wouldn't want him around. Who would want someone around who was so damaged? Wait, he wasn't supposed to think of himself like that anymore.

"You silly boy. Don't you see? Don't you understand?" Usagi ran a hand over his face.

Misaki looked at him with puzzled eyes. "Huh?"

"It will always be okay. My home will always be your home."

"Thank you," Misaki replied as he headed to the stairs. There was so much he wanted to say, but at the moment, he wasn't brave enough.

"Misaki, wait. Please I have something to say." He waited as Misaki backtracked and at Usagi's request, sat next to him.

"I made a mistake. When I broke up with you. I thought it was the right thing to do. It was the hardest thing to do, and you seemed to accept it so easily I didn't realize…I wanted to protect you. That's why I ended things. I foolishly hoped you would fight me on it, and then I'd have no choice but to let you stay, but I never should have broken up with you. My life without you is just too hard."

"What were you trying to protect me from?" Wasn't that his reason too? He'd left to protect Usagi.

Usagi took a deep breath before explaining his father's threats. The fact that he'd stop at nothing and how he was sure his threats weren't empty. His dad was good at getting what he wanted. There was a reason he ran away from home after all.

Misaki let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and bewilderment. Soon, that sound turned into full-on laughter. That hysterical kind that came from deep within.

Usagi was unsure how to react to this. While he was thrilled to see Misaki laugh like this, and kinda wanted to join in, he was unsure this was actually happening because Misaki found something funny. He couldn't see what was this funny about their conversation.

"I'm sorry," Misaki said, whipping the tears from his eyes. "It's not funny." He cleared his throat and took a deep breath as he pulled himself together. "Sorry," he said again when he was calm. "It's just, I left to protect you from your father. He gave me similar scenarios as to why I should break things off with you."

Usagi felt rage for his father. That son of a bitch. "So, you left to protect me? That's why you accepted it so easily?"

"Yeah. I felt like it was the perfect timing. It had been weighing on my mind. When you first suggested it I was shocked, hurt, and confused, but figured I should just go with it. It was better after all."

Usagi stood and lit a cigarette. Where did this put them? If both only broke things off to protect the other. "Do you still love me?"

Misaki blushed at the question. This was still so hard for him. He did however nod, hoping that was enough for now.

"Do you understand what being with me can mean for you? My father, he's not playing around. He really could do those things."

Misaki took some time to think about it. It would really suck to lose his job. And the idea of pictures like that getting out, photoshopped or not really made him feel sick. But, he looked up at Usagi who was purposefully looking elsewhere, this man was worth the risk.

"Do you understand that I'm broken? That I'm unwell? That I'm tainted and unsure if I'll ever be okay again?"

Usagi dropped to his knees in front of him. He started to reach out to touch him but stopped. "I don't believe any of those things. You're not broken or tainted. You're hurting and afraid and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with anything you are because I love you. I love you so god damn much it's terrifying.

His eyes burned with tears as he struggled to speak."Shit. When I saw you go over. When I thought that I was going to lose you. I can't even begin to describe those feelings. That sickening feeling deep in my gut. I thought…I though I was going to lose you forever."

Misaki pulled Usagi to him, hugging him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He was trying not too, but tears of his own came. "I'm so sorry," he said in a sob.

"I hurt so much. I feel so ashamed and sick. I've been so cold and alone. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to be okay and every night I dream of that damn stairwell and all I can think is how ugly I must be to anyone who knows." He wanted to say more but he was cut off by a wave of sorrow that brought more tears.

Usagi held him as he spoke. He couldn't always hear what Misaki was saying because his face was pressed into his chest, but he didn't mind. He closed his eyes and held his lover in his arms. Misaki held on to him for dear life.

"You're perfect," He kept saying over and over. For every bad thing Misaki said, Usagi replied with that. Because none of those things mattered and none of them were true. He was perfect.

After a while, Misaki calmed but didn't pull away. He didn't want too. Usagi's scent made him feel safe and his arms made him feel warm. He wasn't sure how he'd ever move.

"Usagi?"

"Yeah?"

"Does this means I'm yours again?"

Usagi couldn't help that is cock twitched at that question, but he ignored that and focused on the fact that his heart squeezed with delight as well. "I want you to be mine again. If you let me be yours."

Misaki nodded. "I never stopped being yours." He was so glad Usagi couldn't see his face because he knew it was red.

Usagi shifted, making Misaki look at him. "You are going to be the death of me if you keep blushing like that."

"I can't help it," Misaki replied, bashfully.

Unable to fight it any longer, Usagi leaned in and kissed him. It was supposed to be a light quick kiss but the moment his lips touched Misaki's, all sense of control was gone he pulled Misaki as close as he could and when Misaki returned the kiss, he felt dizzy with need.

"More," Misaki said when Usagi went to pull away. He wanted, no needed more. In the heat of passion, it no longer mattered that they were both guys. The seemingly relentless thoughts that pestered him daily seemed to melt away in Usagi's strong arms.

Usagi gave him more, kissing him deeper, and when Misaki slipped his tongue into his mouth he couldn't stop the moan. Oh god, he was so hot and ready, but he wouldn't. He wouldn't allow himself to make any advances. It would all have to be at Misaki's pace.

This. This is what he'd been missing, Misaki thought as he straddled Usagi's lap. This kiss. Anyone can kiss. Everyone he'd ever kissed had been good at it. They all had a few good moves that made the kissing nice. But this? God this was more than a kiss. This was an exchange between two people who simply can't put their feeling into words. This was an intimacy that he'd never shared with another person. As they kissed, they were in perfect harmony, as they said everything that needed to be said in kiss form.

"Oh god," Misaki said as he pulled away slightly. He was so hard it hurt. He throbbed with need, but he wasn't ready yet. He…just not yet. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for things to get so hot and heavy." He breathed as he put his forehead to Usagi's.

"It's okay," Usagi replied, lust deepening his voice. "God your so cute."

That was so sexy. His lusty voice. Usagi could almost make him cum just by speaking dirty scenarios into his ear. He shivered at the memory of it. "Will you excuse me?"

When Usagi nodded, Misaki bolted to his room. Aria has said when the mood struck, and boy did it strike, to try and self-pleasure. He'd worried for a moment that it might be too soon, but he shook his head, ridding himself of the negative thought.

He laid on the bed and thought of Usagi. He thought about the way his hands touched him, caressing his skin. The way he would kiss him until he was crazy with need and then start kissing down his body, each kiss placed strategically. He could almost feel Usagi's lips on his skin as he took his cock in his hand and started pleasuring himself.

In his mind, Usagi was kissing his thighs, something that made him ached to be touched, making him nearly beg for Usagi to suck him. Usagi knew this well and would drive him to madness before taking him into his mouth and working him slowly, carefully driving him close to the edge before pulling back, keeping him close but not go over

"Fuck," Misaki whispered as he worked himself, his hips jerked as he was build closer to climax. His vision shifted to Usagi licking up the bottom of his cock before sucking him back into his mouth with a moan, and that had him orgasming. He let out a quiet cry of relief as he ejaculated.

As he laid there catching his breath he couldn't help but smile some. That was the first time he'd been able to orgasm since…Well since the rape, and damn he felt so freaking relieved.

* * *

Usami was furious as Misaki explained why he was seeing Haruhiro. That brother of his truly was nasty work. The asshole had no decency. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"It wasn't your problem, it was mine." Not to mention he was too confused and lost to really deal with the situation. It was easier to just go with it. But he was done with that now. He couldn't believe how clear-minded he was now. It felt like he'd bee surrounded by a thick cloud of smoke, but now that smoke was lifted.

He wasn't healed. No, he was far from it. He was still standing on shaky ground, but at least now he felt like he could see. While the ground beneath him shook, his path forward was clear.

"I'll take care of it for you. You'll never have to look at him again."

"No," Misaki said, shaking his head at the look in Usagi's eyes. He was always the jealous type. "This is something I must do for myself. I need to face my own problems."

"You don't have to face your problems on your own. You know that, right?" Usami wanted to hold him again but decided better than to reach out to him. It was like he was afraid to touch him. He wanted to go at Misaki's pace, and he wasn't sure what was okay.

"I know I don't have to face them alone. I'm not asking you to butt out. I'm just asking you to stand beside me instead of in front. This way if the problem is too much, you'll be there to help me."

Usami smiled, taking Misaki's hand. "I'll always stand by you. No matter the problem." How strange this was? Them talking and acting like a couple. He freaking loved it.

"Okay. So I'm going to go deal with that, and when I get back, I'll make dinner."

"You don't have to do that. We can order in." His heart hammered in his chest. "And you don't have to deal with Haruhiko just yet. You just got home, there's no need to push yourself."

Misaki put his hand on Usagi's cheek, much to his surprise. "I'm not pushing myself. I promise. This is something I strongly feel needs to be done now." He stood, hesitated a moment before kissing Usagi's cheek. "Be home before dark."

Usagi put his hand over the place where Misaki kissed. He…was shocked. Misaki was never comfortable with that kind of intimacy. Shit, he thought as he stood, feeling his cheeks flush. Didn't that just warm him right the hell up? He almost felt like a schoolgirl.

* * *

"Misaki, I'm surprised to see you. When did you get out?" Haruhiko asked as he sat across from Misaki. He was thrilled to see that he was doing okay. He'd been really worried, and Akihiko wasn't keeping in informed.

"This morning," Misaki replied then took a sip of his drink.

"Oh? Were you anxious to see me?"

"Yes. But not for the reasons you'd hope for. I'm ending this. I told Usagi everything and we are both prepared for whatever you decide to do." Man the idea of papa Usagi finding out they were together made him sick, but this was what needed to be done.

"Oddly confident."

He felt confident. It was such an odd feeling. "I just know what I want now, and it's not you. It never was. It's him. It's always been him."

Haruhiko's jaw clenched. "So you get your happy ending. How cute." It stung. That was for sure. He wanted Misaki to love him. Really he did.

"I don't know what our future holds, but I do know I'm better when he's in it." He'd never said it before, but as he spoke the words the truth sank in. Usagi made him better, and his future was brighter if they were together.

"Are you prepared to go public then?"

That made his stomach roll. He wasn't. He wasn't ready for anyone else to know. He didn't know how he could handle that. He was still coming to terms with everything himself.

He said nothing as panic started to settle. How could he bare everyone knowing how disgusting….

Aria's words cut off his thoughts. "Do you think he's disgusting?"

She'd asked that after he told her he thought he was disgusting for being gay. No. No Usagi was beautiful. There was nothing gross about him. So then?

"I don't want to go public. I'd like my personal life to stay privet. But as long as I have Usagi, I can bear it."

"And what of his career?"

He'd been worried about that. Still did, but Usagi insists that this won't do the damage others are hoping it would. "He's prepared too."

Haruhiko sighed. He'd lost. Again. "Go. I don't want to see you anymore. Besides, our little game was getting boring anyway."

He smiled. As he walked away from the mansion, he smiled so big it hurt. He was free. Free from that horrible comment, and he couldn't be more relieved!

* * *

It was kinda amazing how they just feel into a comfortable routine over the next few weeks. Both were busy with work, Usagi's new book was coming out, and Misaki's return to work was unsurprisingly hectic. This left little time to spend together, though it also meant that the time the managed to have together was precious to them, though sometimes a bit awkward.

Misaki was not blind to the fact that Usagi was afraid of him. No him, but afraid to touch him, or be too forward. If there was kissing or touching, it was Misaki who had to make the first move. He understood why, and couldn't blame Usagi, but he missed the old Usagi. The one who would reach out and touch him for no reason. The one who would push him against the wall and kiss him until he was breathless. The Usagi who would pull him into his lap and nuzzle his neck just because he wanted to breathe him in.

He'd wanted to approach the subject a few times, but managed to chicken out whenever the opportunity presented itself. It was because he was unsure if he could handle the advances. He wanted to think that because it was Usagi he wouldn't freak out, but how could he be sure? Would it make things worse if Usagi made advances and he freaked out? Maybe he could as Aria about it.

He was the first one home today, which was surprising given the hour. Though the parties did tend to run over and Usagi had to go to this one. He got out of as many promotional parties as he could, but that was part of the business.

Felling the emptiness of the main house, he decided to shower. He thought about his day and the fact that he still couldn't get in touch with one of his authors. He would have to try again first thing. Also the release of the Usagi manga, that's what he called it, was happening soon. After months of work, it seemed a little unreal that it was finally happening.

His shower was cut short due to his phone ringing, though given that it was Nanami, he didn't mind. She tended to call him once a week since his suicide attempt to check on him. It was nice actually. She was always fun to talk with and since she would usually be the one to do most of the talking, it was easy. A bonus? Unlike his brother, who would always prod him with questions about his mental and emotional wellbeing, she would simply ask are you well? Then let it be.

The one time he'd told her he was feeling emotional, and she asked if he wanted to talk about it. When he said he didn't, he figured she press, but all she did was say that she would listen if he changed his mind, then went on to talk about her adventure of becoming a mother.

It was truly nice to have a friend like that. Someone who wouldn't pry but reassured him they would always listen. He also enjoyed hearing about her pregnancy. It was amazing the process of growing a child. Pregnancy was something he would never experience. Not that he himself wants too, but he would never have a wife who would go through it.

"Did you get the pictures?" Nanami asked excitedly.

Misaki had her on speaker as he dried his hair. "Yea, this time you can actually tell it's a baby," he laughed thinking of the first sonogram she'd sent him. That one was a little hard to make out. But each time she sent him one, it was more and more formed.

Nanami laughed. "I can't believe it's almost time. It's crazy! Oh, and I have some pretty big news. Eli and I decided to move to Japan! His family wants to expand their business and we decided to be the ones to take over the project. We will only be an hour away!"

Misaki smiled. He was truly happy to hear that news. He didn't realize until that moment how much he missed her. Strange how he could miss someone he had only known a short while. "That's amazing, we will have to get together when you guys get settled."

"Absolutely, we plan to be there and settled before the baby is born. We weren't supposed to move for a few more months, but we decided it would be easier to be there and ready before the baby is born. "

They chatted for about twenty more minutes before she had to go. They said their goodbyes, and just as he hung up Usagi messaged him, Hey, going to be another hour or so. Got roped into the after-party before I could escape. Don't worry, I'm saying hi and then leaving. Be home as soon as I can. Love you.

Misaki's heart skipped a beat at Usagi's, love you. He wasn't sure why, but seeing or hearing it always made him feel flustered. He replied with a quick, Okay, be here when you get home. He thought about adding, love you too, but decided not too. He would have to get used to saying it though. Why did it make him so uneasy?

He started towards his room but realized he didn't want to be in there. He didn't want to be in the main house either. He was feeling lonely tonight for some reason. Maybe because he'd had a stressful day. With a sigh, he went into Usagi's room. He told himself he would hang out in here for an hour, then go into the living room and wait for Usagi.

He felt a little silly as he laid on the bed and snuggled the bear that was there. He hadn't been in here since before he left almost three years before, but it looked the same. It was so comforting, the sameness. And it smelt like Usagi in here. With a sigh he relaxed some, his thoughts pleasant as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

At first, Usami though Misaki was gone. He'd searched the whole house and he wasn't there. He decided he'd give him a call after he changed. He wanted out of the suit.

He walked into his room, pausing when he saw him Misaki was fast asleep, snuggled up to the bear, looking so peaceful.

His heart squeezed with happiness. It seemed kinda silly to be happy about Misaki seeking comfort in his bed, but he was so happy it made him feel giddy.

He took off the suit jacket and threw it over the chair before sitting on the bed. He debated on whether or not he should wake him. He decided not too. Misaki did sleep too well, so when he seemed this peaceful, how could he?

After a few more minutes of watching him, he decided to take a shower and join him in bed. As he showered he worried that it would upset Misaki, but he wasn't going to try anything. He wouldn't even hold him close like he desperately wanted too. He would just sleep.

He also took care of himself while in the shower, remembering how Misaki felt. His skin was so soft and the way he moved, keeping pace with him perfectly. The sound he made, so erotic that he could almost get off on the sounds alone.

Once done, he quickly got into bed. It was hard to fight the urge to pull Misaki close, but he'd keep his hands to himself. If didn't matter that this distance he forced himself to keep was driving him mad. He would wait however long he had to wait. His Misaki was with it.

….

**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D**


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I am soooooooo sorry about the long wait, and unfortunately, further chapters will take a while as well. My life as simply been turned inside out, and to make a long, long, loooonng story short, I may be adopting a baby May of next year and I've had to drop everything and prepare. I now work a full time job, ten hours a day, four days a week. Its physical so I'm practically dead by the time I get home haha. Then send my days off doing things I've neglected. Sigh…Anyway, no, the story is not abandoned, just having a hard time finding time and brain power to write. Thank you for your understanding, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romanica. All credit goes to the writer/creators of the show/Manga.**

**….**

Usagi's heart pounded in his chests he frantically searched the water. Where was he? Fuck where was he! He went to the surface, gulping in air before making another descent beneath the waves. Where! Where! Where!

He grew frantic as the minutes ticked on. No. He couldn't be lost. He couldn't not find him. He couldn't…How would he survive without Misaki? Please. Please. Where is he! Misaki!

Usami jerked awake, sweat pouring as the nightmare chilled his skin. He reached out, feeling for Misaki, who must have woken and left, but that thought didn't calm his panic.

Rising, he hurried to the main house, and took a steadying breath at the sight of Misaki in the kitchen, making coffee.

Without a word, he went to his lover, hugging him from behind, and putting his forehead on Misaki's shoulder. He breathed him in, that wonderful cologne and scent of clean clothes settled him further.

"Usagi?" Misaki asked, surprised. He could sense that Usagi was unsettled.

"Just a minute. Just let me hold you a minute." He had to. He had to know that this was real and that dream was just a nightmare made up of what could have been.

Misaki rubbed Usagi's arm. "Sure. Okay," he replied, not minding this at all. This was the first time Usagi had initiated contact since he'd been home.

"Okay," Usagi said a couple minutes later. He pulled away, smiling at Misaki. "How did you sleep?"

Misaki blushed. He'd been surprised to wake up in Usagi's bed, though he'd been the one to fall asleep there. Even more surprised to find Usagi sleeping next to him. He'd laid there for a long while, just looking at him, taking in the rare sight. He wanted to sleep with him more often.

"I slept well. Really well. You look like you could use more sleep though." Misaki turned, pouring out the coffee.

"Yeah, I haven't had much sleep." However, he was unsure he could. That dream. He hated that damn dream. "why are you up so early?"

"Oh, Aria needs me to come in this morning instead of tomorrow. I guess she's going on leave a day early."

"Is that okay? You've been seeing her every week. Are you okay with not going?" He hated that he sounded so worried and prayed that Misaki wouldn't take offense.

"She's switching to phone sessions. She plans on doing that for eight weeks, however after two weeks if any of us need a face to face she's willing to do so."

Ah. Yeah, that didn't surprise him. Aria was always so aware of others and their needs. As well as giving. She often put the need of others in front of her own. Luckily, the man she married was good at putting her needs before his. She had someone to care for her. She deserved that.

"Oh, and Nanami and Eli are moving back to Japan. They will be about an hour away, but we could get together." Misaki laughed at the expression of jealousy that flickered into Usagi's face. "Don't worry. She's just a friend, I promise."

Usagi went to pull him close but stop himself. Instead, he grabbed Misaki's hand. "I know. But I can't help but think about how close you came to marrying her."

Misaki hugged him, knowing that's what he needed. "I love you. I know I don't say it enough, and I'll work on that. But you have nothing to worry about." He looked up at him and leaned up on his toes.

Usami bent down slightly, kissing him. This too was becoming easier. The sweetness of a simple kiss that never seemed to lose its effect. "I love you, too."

Misaki looked over at the time and sighed. "I'm sorry, but if I don't go I'll be late."

"Why don't I take you? We can do breakfast between that and work."

"No, I actually have to hit up one of my authors before going in, and you need sleep. I don't need to deal with grumpy Usagi later." Misaki said while gathering his things. "See you!" He called out before going to the door."

Usagi followed him. "One last kiss goodbye?"

Misaki smiled before accepting Usagi's request. The kiss was supposed to be quick, but a few minutes later they were both panting and ready to strip the other naked. If they didn't do something about this sexual tension they were both going to explode.

"Usagi," Misaki said as Usagi kissed along his jaw, and down his throat. "Usagi, I have to go."

Usagi placed one last kiss before pulling away. It took a great deal of strength to do so, but he let Misaki be on his way.

"Sleep?" He said to no one as he headed to the living room. How could he sleep after that?

* * *

"He won't touch me. Not really," Misaki said as he sighed. "I get it, and it's really kind of him, but I want him to touch me. I want him to go back to normal."

"Have you told him that?" Aria asked.

"No. Because what if I tell him, and he touches me and I freak out? I mean, I feel better. I feel like I should be able to handle it. At least mostly. Besides, is Usagi. I'm not afraid of him. He would never lay angry hands on me or for me to do something I don't want."

"Maybe it's time you talk with him about all this. Tell him where you were and where you are now? Explain you want to be touched, but you need him to understand that you might have moments of uncertainty. In return, if you feel you don't want to be touched, tell him gently that you need space. Communication is key."

Misaki nodded as his stomach dropped some. "I'm not sure how to tell him everything. My emotions." But she was right, and he'd wanted to talk about it a few times in the past.

"How are you feeling towards your sexuality?"

Misaki blushed. It was so stupid to feel bashful considering everything they've talked about. "I'm okay with it at the moment. You really helped me when you asked me if I get disgusted towards Usagi for being gay. Because I don't, so why should I feel that myself? Anytime I stay thinking that way, I remember what you said."

"Good. I'm glad. Anything new? Anything you want to tackle?"

"Nanami and Eli are moving about an hour away. It will be nice to see her again. She's a comfort to be around. She has something calming about her."

"Yes. You've said before. It's something to look forward to."

"Is it too soon for sex?" He blurted. He'd been wanting to ask during the last session but was unsure about doing so.

"What do you think? It's not whether I feel it's too soon. Or what anyone else feels for that matter. If you feel like maybe you're ready, then that's what matters."

"I think I might be ready. Maybe." Misaki sighed. "It's all theoretical. I think I might be, but I won't know until we try."

"Maybe you can take it slow. Start sharing a bed. Take a shower together. Start out with foreplay and see how that goes. Start with touching. You said he doesn't touch you much, start there. Touch, cuddle. Reestablish the basics of a physical relationship. If all that goes well, then you can move on to intercourse."

He nodded. Why hadn't he thought of that? "Yeah. That sounds good."

Aria shifted, uncomfortable. She was now way more pregnant than ever and she was so ready for her little one to be here.

"You ready for the baby?"

Aria smiled. "Certainly. A little nervous as well. My first one after all. However, I'm pretty good with kids." She smiles as he eyed her stomach.

"You want kids one day? I know you almost became a father to Nanami's child, and that didn't work out."

"Pending fatherhood scared me at first, but when it was no longer a possibility, I suppose it made me sad a bit. Maybe that means I do want to be a father someday, though I'm not sure Usagi is up to the task. He looks at my nephew like he's got five heads when he's over." Misaki chuckled at the memory.

"Well, I suppose that is something to ponder in the future." Aria smiled as she made a few notes.

As always the session ended with the,' is there anything else you wish to address? And, 'Are you still writing in your journal?' Which he actually was. He wrote almost every night before bed. It seemed to help calm his mind, allowing him to sleep easier.

Once both questions were answered he'd start the process of saying bye before leaving. This time he bid her farewell and luck giving birth.

* * *

"We have to tell him you know, eventually," Manami said as she placed lunch on the table. She turned her attention to Mahiro for a moment before continuing. "I realize the conversation might be a bit awkward, but it'll have to be done."

She'd actually been wanting Takahiro to mention it sooner, but her stubborn husband wouldn't bring it up. She wasn't sure why, outside of him being unsure how to brink it up. She was sure that Misaki could use the support. She had a feeling having his brother's blessing would make him feel more at ease with it all.

"I know. I'm just…" he sighed. "Jesus, Manami. It's my little brother and my best friend."

"And do you not wish them—Mahiro, don't throw your food on the floor—happiness?"

Takahiro nodded, used to her talking to their son in mid-sentence. Part of being a parent he supposed. "Of course I do. I can't even place what about it is tripping me. I'm okay with them both being guys, truly. But then what? I thought it was the age difference, but Misaki is so mature it makes senesce he'd like someone older."

"Perhaps you're jealous?" This was something she'd been thinking from the beginning.

He scoffed. "Why on earth would I be jealous? That's ridiculous!"

"Because darling," Manami said as she stood. She walked behind him, leaning in and kissing his cheek. "It's your best friend and your brother?" She picked up Mahiro and headed out of the kitchen. "If they have each other, where does that leave you?"

Takahiro sat there kinda stunned. She was right. Of course, that's why he was jealous. If Usagi had Misaki and Misaki had Usagi, where did he fit in? He didn't want to be sidelined by two people he loved dearly.

* * *

He was brought to his knees. He was always brought to his knees on that stairwell. He knew what was coming, his heart frantic with the knowledge. He couldn't talk himself out of being raped. It was just going to happen, and he could do nothing.

As always, the mixture of beer and piss made him feel sick, and the man's breath was hot on his neck as he reached around and grabbed at him while holding a knife to his side.

God. God, why did this keep happening? Over and over again this man came to him, hurting him and he couldn't stop it. Couldn't even identify him. He never saw his face.

No, wait. Wait. Don't look. Don't look. Don't see. He didn't see. He didn't see! It was too dark to see who did it. He saw nothing but darkness and the shapes that made up the stairwell. Right? He saw nothing.

The pain came, blinding him, making his eyes water. He turned his head as he cried out in horror and saw it. On the inside of the man's right arm was a tattoo. He didn't know what it was supposed to be, the pain made it impossible to comprehend it.

No, Misaki squeezes his eyes shut tight. He didn't see. He didn't see anything. He didn't see!

He jerked awake, heart pounding as he took gulping breaths. His shirt stuck to his skin due to sweat and his mouth was so dry it hurt to swallow. He lay there, waiting for the fear to fade. He couldn't move until it did.

Closing his eyes he thought of Usagi, his image alone helping center him. He was safe here. Usagi would never let anyone hurt him here. This was his safe place. His haven.

With that thought, he got out of bed and hurried to the shower. He wanted to go find Usagi but didn't want to do so while covered in sweat.

This dream was bad. It was different from the others. He saw a tattoo, and while he wanted to say it was something his subconscious made up, he knew in his heart that it wasn't. He'd seen that tattoo. He knows he did.

Did that mean he knew more than he remembered? Was his mind blocking out part of the trauma? If so, he didn't want to remember. He was okay with not remembering. However, he remembered now with clarity seeing that tattoo.

Later he found Usagi working. He wasn't surprised as it was only midnight, and Usagi often worked into the early hours of the morning claiming he seemed to work best then.

"You okay?" Usagi asked as Misaki walked over. He looked pale as a ghost.

Misaki felt a little childish, but he curled up on Usagi's lap and buried his face in Usagi's shirt.

"What's this?" Usagi chuckled. He had no objections, but this behavior was unusual for Misaki. He hugged Misaki even closer when he realized Misaki was shaking. "Misaki?"

"I'm okay. Just hold me, okay? Please?"

"Say no more," Usagi replied as he rested his cheek on Misaki's head. Nightmare. That was his guess, and it pleased him immensely that Misaki sought him out for comfort.

"I think I remember more," Misaki said a little later. He shifted so he was looking at Usagi, but was still on his lap. "I remember seeing a tattoo and now I'm afraid there's more I don't remember and it will all come back, but I don't want it too."

Usagi stroked away a tear. "I can't say whether or not you will remember more, but I am here for you if you do."

Misaki looked away. "I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it."

Usagi took Misaki's chin in his hands. "That's what you have me for. When you feel weak or scared to death, I'll be here to take your hand. When you don't feel strong, I'll be here to lend you my strength. When you cry, I'll be here to dry your eyes. I'm here. I love you, and we can get through whatever life throws our way. Misaki, whatever it is, I'm going to love you through it." Okay, did he really just say something that sappy?

Misaki leaned in, kissing him. He loved this man. He loved this man so much he couldn't comprehend how he'd managed to live so long without him. "Thank you. You have no idea how you comfort me."

Usagi kissed his forehead. "You are a comfort to me as well."

"While we are both here," Misaki started, feeling his cheeks warm with embarrassment. "I know that you don't want to upset me or whatever, and that's why, but I miss the old you. I'm not saying I'm ready to be one hundred percent, but I'm getting there."

"What are you trying to say?" Usagi asked a little confused.

"I've noticed you hesitate to touch me. To kiss me, and I appreciate it, but I don't like it. I like your hands on me."

Usagi's cock kicked at that bashful expression of his. This man was going to drive him crazy with lust. "I just wanted to let you take lead. I want to go at your pace."

"Yeah, I know." Geez, this was so awkward. "But I want you to be normal again. I want you to randomly hold me and kiss me. If I ever start feeling overwhelmed, I promise I will tell you, so, please?"

How could he refuse? He pulled Misaki back against him. "Okay. I will try to go back to normal, but you better tell me if it's too much. Don't worry about hurting my feelings."

"Deal."

With that, Usagi kissed Misaki with heat. He had to hold in his moan as Misaki shifted against his cock, making it throb with need. He wouldn't go there. Not yet. For now, he would just settle for making out with his boyfriend.

….

* * *

"Why?" Misaki asked when Usagi informed him they'd be hosting dinner for Takahiro and his little family.

"Just to do it," Usagi replied, though he knew why, the reason would be made clear at dinner. "Do you want to cook? Or would you rather takeout?"

"No, I'll cook. I can go to the market tomorrow morning." Tomorrow night was good timing as he had the day off. "Anything specific you want?"

"Nope, whatever you want is fine by me."

* * *

The silence was awkward and Misaki couldn't help but feel like a kid again and was waiting for a scolding for whatever it was that he'd done wrong. Add too that Manami kept trying to make small talk, it was all just strange.

"Ouch!" Usagi exclaimed, looking at Manami with confusion. "Why did you kick me?"

Manami blushed, "I meant to kick Takahiro."

"What, why?" Takahiro asked.

Manami slightly jerked her head towards Misaki. "We are here for a reason, and this silence is going to kill me."

"I was getting to it," Takahiro replied.

"Oh please, if I wasn't here, you'd walk out that door later tonight without accomplishing anything."

"What's happening?" Misaki asked, cutting off their bickering.

Takahiro cleared his throat. "Yeah. So. While you were in the hospital, I was made aware of something and I think you should know that I know."

"Okay?" Misaki looked at Usagi, and based on the expression on his face, he knew what was up. His stomach turned. Oh god, did he know?

"I know about you and Usagi."

Kill. Me. Now. Misaki turned beet red as his brother's words seeped in. "Um. What! I. Um. How?"

"It was my fault really. I kinda guessed it, then Takahiro talked to Usami." Manami said with a smile.

"So you knew he knew?"

"Yeah. He punched me in the face, kinda hard to forget that." Usagi rubbed at the place Takahiro had punched.

Before Misaki could reply, the front door flew open, and Usagi's father stormed in, clearly displeased.

Usagi stood, his demeaner shifting drastically. "What are you doing here? How did you get in?"

"I heard that you and Misaki were back together. Had to see for myself if it was true." He replied, anger deepening his voice. "Have you forgot our conversation, boy?"

"Get out," Usagi replied. He wasn't going to argue this just now. Everyone else around the table stood too, Manami going over to Mahiro who was watching with wide eyes.

Fuyuhiko walked over and nearly laughed when Usami stepping in front of Misaki. "You can't protect him from me, Akihiko. No son of mine is going to end up with a man. Not to mention, a man with poor social status!"

"I will be with who I want to be with. If you don't like it, that is your problem!"

"That boy has no business being with you. You have better get your life together and marry!"

Usagi pulled Misaki to his side. "I will only ever marry Misaki! He is the love of my life and I will not settle for anyone else. Get out!"

Fuyuhiko laughed. "You dare defy me? I will have Misaki on his knees and begging for mercy."

Takahiro stepped forward, putting himself between Fuyuhiko and his family. "You dare threaten my brother? If you so much as lay a finger on him, I will kill you with my own bare hands."

"You really think you can win against me?"

"I will die trying that's for damn sure. Usagi and Misaki are my family, and I'll protect them with my last breath if need be. I've raised that boy you seem to loath, and I will be damned if he falls due to the likes of you, and Usagi is family too. I will always protect my family!

Usagi put his hand on his best friend's shoulder. His speech, though likely useless, meant the world to him.

Fuyuhiko scoffed. "Seems like you've built yourself a little army, but you don't stand a chance—"

"What is your problem!" Misaki asked, cutting him off. "Why does it matter so much? Usagi is hardly a part of your life, and that's not likely to change."

"Misaki," Usagi said but was ignored.

"I love him! And I don't care what you do to me. I don't care what you take away, as long as I have him, I can handle it. I'm not going to run away with my tail between my legs because you take issue with who he loves. No one can love him like me, and maybe I don't have his upbringing and I can never make as much as he does or even have the same social status, but I will never stop trying to be what he needs. I will never stop contributing to our relationship. I will never take him for granted! I will always strive to be seen as his equal. I will not be scared away by a heartless man who has no idea how to love!"

Misaki hadn't realized he'd moved, but he found himself standing in front of Fuyuhiko, staring him down with burning eyes. He wanted to back away but wouldn't move. He was challenging him, and he couldn't be the first to step off.

Fuyuhiki chuckled. Well then. He hadn't realized the kid had that much passion in him. That was something to be proud of, though it really didn't change much, This kid had no idea what he would be up against if and when the world learned of this relationship. "Down boy."

"I will only ask once more for you to leave," Usagi said, pulling Misaki away from his father. He couldn't stand him being so close.

"This isn't over," Fuyuhiko said before leaving.

Misaki looked over at his brother who still looked furious. "Takahiro…"

"You have my blessing. That's why I came tonight. I wanted you to know, that while I'm confused and blindsided by all of it, You have my blessing."

That made him tear up. "That…means the world to me."

* * *

Usagi was pissed. After Fuyuhiko left, they quickly finished dinner and hurried their guest home, not that the guest argued. Takahiro seemed anxious to leave. He still looked upset when he left.

Usagi excuses himself and went upstairs. Not too long after, Misaki heard the sound of the shower turning on.

Misaki stood outside the bathroom, his own nerves a little frazzled. He couldn't believe he'd stood up to Fuyuhiko. Now he stood there, debating on whether or not he should go in.

After what felt like a lifetime, he went in and stripped. The bathroom was steamed up and warm, making him shiver slightly. He hadn't realized before that he was a little cold.

When he opened the curtain, he saw Usagi stiffen in surprise. "Mind if I join you?"

Usagi's eyes looked down his body and back up again. "Misaki I." Shit he was already hard. This was testing him for sure, but he didn't want to send Misaki away either.

Misaki stepped in without a reply. He wanted to be here. To shower with Usagi. "Hand me the soap, I'll wash your back."

Stunned into obedience, Usagi did as asked, and turned his back to him. He stood perfectly still as Misaki's soapy hands ran over his back. He was surprised when those hands caressed his butt.

Misaki blushed as his hands traveled down Usagi's back to his perfect ass. The man before him was so damn gorgeous he could hardly stand it. Even crazier? He was his, and he wanted to touch him. To be touched by him.

His hands shook slightly as he reached around him and gripped Usagi's hard cock. The sound that escaped Usagi's lips made his own cock pulse with need.

"Misaki," Usagi started to say but was cut off as Misaki hand moved up and down his shaft. His head fell forward as he braced himself on the walls of the shower.

Misaki kissed Usagi's back as he worked him, the feel of Usagi's cock in his hand made him burn with desire. He wasn't good at this, making the first step, but he sure as hell liked it. He loved the feel of Usagi as he worked him. Loved the way Usagi's hips moved ever so slightly as he did it. The gasps of pleasure.

Usagi moved, facing him. He was so close to orgasm, but he wasn't ready, not yet. "Can I touch you?" His fingers ached to touch Misaki. Needed to touch him so desperately he felt he might die if Misaki denied him.

"Yes," Misaki replied, his heart pounding. He watched as Usagi soaped up his hands, before turning so he could wash his back.

Strong hands touched him, and his skin prickled in pleasure. Usagi moved close, so his lips were by Misaki's year. "I'm only going to touch you. That is as far as we will go. For tonight," Usagi said as his soapy fingers brushed over Misaki's nipples, making him gasp.

Those strong hands slowly made their way down Misaki's stomach, as Usagi's lips ravished Misaki's neck, making his sense jump into overdrive. Every nerve of his being was on fire, and when Usagi's hand gripped him, he moaned embarrassingly loud and had nearly gone over right there.

"Mmm," Usagi said, that lustful voice-only making it hard not to cum. "You're so ready, so close to the edge." Usagi stroked him slowly, trying not to push him over just yet. He needed more. Longer. He wasn't ready for this to end.

Misaki moaned, then gasped. His legs felt like they might give out, so he planted his hands on the wall in front of him. "Oh god," he said went he felt Usagi's cock press against him. He wanted it. He wanted it so bad.

"Yeah?" Usagi asked, rubbing himself against Misaki. "You remember, don't you? How I feel inside you?" Usagi moaned now too, making himself just as hot and bothered as he was making Misaki.

"Mm-hm," Misaki replied, jerking his hips so Usagi's hand worked him faster. He needed it. Needed release. He was so close, so close."

Usagi smiled as Misaki moved his hips, demanding release. He moved his hand quicker, giving him what he asked for. His own hips jerked when Misaki reaches back, grabbing him and working him too.

Misaki was the first to go, that release rocking through him, making his body jerk with the sensation. Usagi followed quickly, pulling Misaki closer as he went.

Usagi put his forehead on Misaki's shoulder as they stood there, coming back to reality. "You okay?"

Misaki nodded as he chucked. "How could I not be?"

Usagi placed a kiss on Misaki's neck. "That's good." Man, he was still so hot. Still so ready for more. But he wouldn't. Not tonight. "Let's finish up. We will run out of hot water soon."

* * *

Masamune picked up the envelope that was slid under the door. He looked over at Ritsu who was toweling his hair with questioning eyes.

"What's that?" He asked.

"Don't know," he replied, opening the envelope. Inside, he found pictures of Misaki and Usami. Compromising photos. "What's this?" He pulled out a letter. After reading it, he sighed.

"What's up?" Ritsu asked, going over. He blushed at the pictures. "Oh, man."

"Looks like someone wants me to fire Misaki."

"Are you going to? What will happen if you don't?"

For starters, I think these pictures might go public. However, I think this is just a hint at what they can do to us." sighed heavily. "Don't worry. I'll handle this."

…..

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. Reviews and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks :D


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